All that is
Ad 2:
2011-03-16 14:04:17 (UTC)

haha hilarious

1Don't mention marriage. Don't mention weddings. Don't mention babies. Even if you're one of those people who is crazy about all that stuff, avoid bringing up the subject all the time. Talk about it only when appropriate.
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2If you go to a wedding together don't comment on how beautiful it all is. As far as he's concerned you hate it. "The food's crap, the venue's awkward for everyone & the whole thing is sooo pointless & tedious. God, you won't ever make me do this, will you?!" You say to your boyfriend, before leaving & preferably having some mindblowing sex & leaving before he wakes up.
3If some friends get engaged & they tell you before him, wait for them to tell him. Don't dignify the engagement & make it seem like a big deal to you (even if it is) by going to the effort of telling him about it before they have the chance. When he finds out he'll probably mention it to you, you can be like "Oh yeah, they already told me. God, they're great together now, but how will they cope? I feel so sorry for people being stuck with someone for the rest of their lives..." Then change the subject before he can reply.
4As above make him think you feel sorry for married couples. Let him over hear a conversation or you on the phone to a friend "When I saw John & Lisa today they looked miserable. Miserable & bored. I guess the honeymoon period's worn off..." & even louder "Seriously, who wants to sleep with one person for the rest of your life? Sheesh."
5If he wants you to meet his parents, he asks you to meet his parents. If he wants to meet your parents, he suggests he meets your parents. You don't arrange these things. The most you can do is pick a weekend you know he's not busy & say "My parent's wanted us over this weekend but I told them you were busy. I thought I'd save you the hassle." Before he can ask change the subject/leave the room. Leave the thought lingering in his mind. He needs to know it's something he has to work for.
6If you get invited somewhere his friends/family aren't going, don't insist on him going. Mention it at the last possible moment you can, if you have to. If he asks why you didn't tell/invite him you say "Well, I didn't think you'd be interested..."
7Don't go on holiday with him, unless he invites you. If you want to go on holiday, invite your friends, not him. Even if you have a really crappy time crying in your hotel room & saying how much you love him & miss him- he won't find out. You won't let him. He will think you've had a great time without him & you tell him not to worry - you won't 'bore him with details'.
8Make plans that don't involve him. Limit the time you spend with him. If you're bored at home & he invites you over, say your 'busy' or 'sick'. You can't. He can be bored & miss you instead. The times you do go over his it's because you're 'not working' or 'just about made it over'. Have as much fun & sex as possible. He'll miss you more when your not around.
9Don't live with him. If you do, move out. NOW. Use any excuse you have to. Your mother's sick, you need space, you need to be closer to work. Doesn't matter. Do it.
10Don't have sex at yours. Have sex at his. Good sex. Fulfill his fantasies, don't squirm when he suggests you watch porn together & don't start rambling on about how much you love him afterwards. Just sigh sexily (sighing is different to groaning I might add) & curl up asleep next to him.
11Try to leave as early as possible in the mornings. Make excuses. If you do stay a little longer, don't hassle him. Make him breakfast, affectionately kiss him but don't talk to him unless he talks to you.
12Don't leave your stuff at his. If you're going to leave anything, I'd recommend 'accidentally' leaving a soft scarf or jumper on the bed or sofa. You should make sure it smells of that perfume you always wear too. Something delicate but sexy. Think something like Tommy Hilfiger Dreaming, not Dior Poison. Get it?
13Don't ever move things around at his place or complain about how he lives/behaves. No-one likes a nagger.
14This step is vital. After you've been living apart for a while & you're sure he's hooked on you, tell him you need to stay at his for a week: Your boiler's broken, your apartment's being painted, your long lost cousin needs somewhere to stay etc. You DON'T bring all your stuff. You bring the bare essentials. You keep his bathroom clean & uncluttered. Same for his kitchen. You do this without mentioning it. Then you treat him like a God. You kiss him, cuddle him, go down on him & have great sex all the time. You don't nag him. You don't ask him where he's going at night, what time he'll be in, whatever. You make him snacks & tasty food & completely fill up his refrigerator. You DON'T try to give him pea flavoured lentil mush & pumpkin seeds. You make & buy MAN FOOD; Pizza, Steak, Bacon & family size packs of Doritos & Snickers. Whatever he likes, you eat with no complaint, no matter what diet your on. You watch whatever he likes on TV; Football, Golf, Top-gear, The Sopranos... & you don't complain when you miss an episode of Friends or Desperate Housewives. EVER. You still go out all the time, even if this involves driving around the block 50 times pretending you're at your friend's. You don't have your girlfriends over & you have them ring your mobile/cell - NOT his house-phone. Encourage him to go out while you stay home & have a bath. You might suggest he have his guy friends over to watch football, while you go out shopping, does he want anything from the store?... Get the idea? Then before the week is even up you leave. You tell him everything is sorted & you're going home. Leave while he's out at work/with his friends too. Turn off the heating, turn off the lights, empty the refrigerator & leave a note saying you had fun & you'll see him next week.
15Distance yourself a little over the following month, but be super sexy & glamourous when you do meet up. You could even drop into conversation how you're surprised one of your married girlfriends said no to her husband's suggestion of having a threesome or subscribing to a porn channel. I give him a week or two after that & if he still isn't down on one knee proposing then he's obviously hopeless. Move on. It'll work on someone.