koehn.tami

Tacoma is in my veins
2011-03-16 09:03:46 (UTC)

Torn Between blood and energy

Today was terrible, Just grocery shopping with out my husband was painful. Knowing I was going to have to carry them in and put them away made me cry a little. We have an unspoken deal he unloads and I put away. That was only the beginning. I ve been in a daze since he left. I cant remember anything, half the time when people talk i glaze over. I panic trying to remember where the conversation left off. Which makes me feel even more terrible of a friend. I have a great friend S&M, I have blood too, we have been through so much. S&M doesnt care much for my blood. I understand my blood is quite demanding and a handful when shes been drinking. Its not that I hate her having a good drinking. I cannot help but worry about her well being and safety. I dont want her to be a news story. S&M's 30th birthday is in Vegas. My blood was invite to go at some point. Now I have to tell my blood that no one basically "wants the added stress of her excessive drinking". I understand. But I am not strong enough to look into her eyes and tell her yet again, that she is not liked. Possible tears her feeling hurt and not wanted. I would hate that. Its not her day either the 30th is about S&M. I am torn so badly. My chest hurts and it hurts to breath. I just want silence. I deleted my facebook and turned my phone off. I dont mind my mexican hanging out hes quiet and doesnt ask questions. So I wont be shutting him out entirely. I like the small talk about Mcdonalds and nothing else. I am scared of losing my friends family husband. Why are deployments so painful. Work is the worst sitting in my car for three hours thinking about all my memories with him. I hate it. I keep drinking liquid percocet. I dont wanna feel emotion of pain, guilt, loneliness, fear.




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