Hello Dairy, how are we today?
I am in a much better place....let me explain.
About 3/4 weeks ago I found out my wife had been texting a colleague at work....I found out because I became suspicious of her. She was started to pay more attention to the way she dressed and herself, for example, she started doing her nails every Saturday. To be honest I was quite happy with all these as my beauty is shown through my wife. I was actually very pleased and enjoyed the attention she was making to make herself look good. She worked incredible long hours at work as well. I then started noticing she spent so much time on her mobile using the Blackberry messenger. Her phone was always hidden away in her bag, on silence and she had a password to protect it. Then one day, we went out and got home late yet she said she wanted to read a book downstairs (in the middle of the night!). My wife never does that. Also I noticed that when she got home at night and I was in the room she will go downstairs to eat and watch TV, she never does that. Anyway I manage to get into her phone and saw a text from a guy talking about pictures, guilt and other things. My life shattered right in front of me. I didn’t see that coming. My wife is no saint but what I never in my wildest dreams expected from her was to start engaging in someone else. I couldn’t handle the shock and I suffered from the shock I think up till just this weekend. I only stopped crying yesterday. I cried everyday since that day. The thought of someone else with my wife or exchanging lewd pictures was too much for me. My immediate response was to go and see the guy, but then that changed to moving out of the house. When I started to look at moving out of the house, I then realised that I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave my kids as I spend more time with them as she works long hours during the week and they depend on both of us so much. Always mummy this daddy that. I also realised that I loved her so much. From then I started to shower her with so much love, buying flowers, telling her how much I loved her, writing her letters etc this is where my devastation deepened. She seem very distant and was not responsive and said what I am doing was too much and could fail as we have followed an order for the last 14 years that the extreme change to this sudden loving up will not work in such a small space of time. She said it was too drastic a step. She wanted us to take it slowly. I was so weak, so down, I couldn’t get up. Everyday was a struggle to just take a step forward, talk less of talking, making conversation, being daddy or even worse at work. Looking back it was like I was in a trance. I seek the comfort of my wife but got nothing back. I yearned for her. She only responded to my attention. She didn’t initiate anything herself. She still worked late and it was business as usual for her. This is me thinking that you spend so much time texting or working yet you can’t find a few moments just to say things to me. I told her I needed her to help me. I was so low. My foundation, the man I am, is based on my wife and children. This was being destroyed right in front of me.
Several examples follow that made me weaker and I sunk into more depression. A good example was her Blackberry Status, on a particular day, it changed several times in a few moments and from the contents you could tell she was exchanging views with someone. When I asked her she said it was with a friend and I have nothing to worry about. Later she changed her story saying she was just joking and it was because of squabbling between her and her sibling. Of course I didn’t believe her nor believed any of her stories from day one. She has broken that deep trust I had in her. I also thought she was callous and was too busy with her ‘work’ not to recognise I was seeking into depression next to her.
The most difficult thing for me was that there was no one to talk to. I was dying inside and I missed my mum terribly. I needed someone to tell and show me I was not worthless. I missed the way she made me special. At this moment I just wanted to be recognised. I was not getting this from my wife. I called my mum in the middle of the night. She was sleeping and there was no electricity but she got up (bless her) and we just talked, about nothing in particular, but in someway made me realise that I still mean something to some people.
Each day was more difficult than the next and I knew I couldn’t continue like this. I wasn’t doing anything at work apart from crying.
I backed off a bit from the full on love I was showering my wife as it was killing me because I was not getting any response. I got something like ‘Your jealousy will drive me away’. I had to take 2 steps back to think, who exactly is at fault here. Who should be doing all the things I am doing? I don’t hear from her at work and she gets in at odd hours.
Finally I have come out of this trauma and what I can only say is that I was under a spell from the shock. Last Thursday (see diary for details) she got home after midnight after only telling me she was going for a quick drink at 9:30 (this is after I had called her with no response). At 11 she sent a txt saying she will take a cab home. On Friday, I asked her out for dinner to eat a particular type of food as she had told me earlier in the day that that is the only food she was craving for. She politely turned me down by telling me at that stage that she was going for team drinks at work. Later that day I then parked her car closer to the station so she would not have to work a long distance (at night) to get her car. I got a ‘many thks’ response. She got home after the trains had closed by taking a taxi home.
This is when the penny dropped for me and all the feeling I had to be loved changed to anger but not hatred. I was angry that she did not think it may be a good idea to go out with me for dinner. I was angry that she did not think as she was spending so much time at work and going out with colleagues to come back in the middle of the night may be a bit insensitive as different things may be going through her husband’s mind. I was angry because she did not think, he dropped the car for me at the station, I should make sure that I catch the train before they close. I was angry with her because she did not deem it necessary to let me know she was going to get back late after parking the car for her.
On that day, I felt she had no love for me as a husband and she doesn’t respect me as a person. My mind became clear. There are so many things going on for me. I have 3 wonderful children, I have set myself targets at work (in my career) that is far from complete and will need my full attention to achieve, my business is at a critical stage that I need to concentrate on it, I have challenges with my children (teaching one to play football and another to swim even though I am a poor swimmer and he has Downs Syndrome), my shoulder is just healing after an Op in October and I need to start practising my golf. I have so much to look forward to in my life than sulking and waiting for a woman to give me love that may never come.
I feel liberated and I am in a beautiful place this morning. I am not waiting for her to call me, text me, hold me or tell me she loves me. If she gets back late from work I will probably be having a good and enjoyable sleep. I have so much to look forward to.
I must admit that I still struggle with the thoughts of lewd pictures been exchanged on the phone but I cannot do anything about that. I look forward to bringing up my kids in the right way. I look forward to success in my business; I look forward to improving my carer, improving my sporting abilities (golf, exercise etc) etc
I don’t know where the marriage is heading to. It will all depend on her. I will be here, I am going no where. With time I may learn how to love and trust her again….It all depends on her.