rakish2000

TooBloodBad
2011-03-14 02:31:56 (UTC)

Lust - Pain - Repeat

I was at a friends house for his birthday party. It was packed full with acquaintances, old and new. I was listening to all of them and keeping my eyes on them so I could study there habits. Some of them were bragging, some agreeing, all of them regurgitating the lies they had already eagerly fed to themselves and started to believe. I couldn't help but think of a sad melody and I wished there was some quiet place where I could go to hum it out loud. Music is too private to sing in a house crammed full of people. Especially these people, they don't listen, they only wait to talk... "Lust, Pain, Repeat" Is what I decided to name the night and the melody I hummed through it. I looked around and thought about how lonesome a person could be in a crowded house.

These things amuse me.

So I just sat and nodded my head in agreement and politely listened to them tell me about boss's not giving them a fair shake, kids not listening, how the teacher has it out for them , Vampire movies and how I should read the books because "They are so good!!" Every time someone recommends one of those sorry excuse for books to me, I get the overwhelming urge to tell them to suck the blood out of my Werewolf like ass!...But I did not...this time....Actually, I am sorry to say most of me was listening. Waiting desperately for someone to say SOMETHING.... I am a hopeless romantic with a gambling problem.

The other part of me, the part I long ago tucked away from all this trivial and disheartening bullshit, was working away comfortable inside of my chest. I feed him booze and tacos while he goes on, steadily writing and humming melodies to score the performance that is my life. I have always imagined that my whole life was a on going symphony, being conducted by my movements and actions. It helps me to stay original and honest to myself, and keeps me striving to never play a false note. It forces me to try to say and do things worth remembering, to try and write things worth reading. I fear that without these things I will soon be lost in the crowd and forgotten...I fear that there is not enough of me left to listen. I fear that I am chasing after time. While time, the endless blind, deaf and dumb madman, sprints belligerently around the world. Never wondering what it has left behind.

All of these thoughts remind me that I am lost. Like I was orphaned by indifference and left on the side of the road to fend for myself. I am a stranded stranger in a strange land, forced to find my own way. I have no home, I was given no compass and shown no skills to survive in a world where people like me are walked around. Like we have some incurable disease that they can catch from the slightest bit of empathy... I walk forward with only my curiosity and my distorted view of the world to keep me company..... I sometimes like to imagine that I was chosen out an infinite field of souls. That I was picked up and placed here by the Gods to create the road signs that will guide the orphaned that are stranded here after me. I like to think I was destined to walk the path of mystery and loneliness because of a silent strength they feel radiate from me. I was sent on a mission to leave prayers carved upon scraps, to guide the transfixed eyes of the lost away from self-inflicted ruins. So that they may one day reach me, and we can travel together. Down this mysterious and lonely road, to the palace of definitions.

These things amuse me





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