BrielleVonG

Partially Intriguing
2011-03-13 17:24:57 (UTC)

March 13, 2011: A lot. A little. Auto-pilot Engaged.

It's been over a month since I've written in here. I figured I didn't need to anymore. Things were going pretty well.

But, now I'm not so sure. There's things I need to say. Why can't I talk to my friends about this stuff?

I know why, actually. I tell myself it's because everyone has their own problems to take care of. I don't want to bother them with my stupid shit. But, I have this need, this craving to just go up to K and talk to her. I feel closest to her, right now. I feel like she'd sit there and listen, and understand.

But, I feel like everyone thinks I'm strong, and that everyone thinks I don't need to go on about my petty issues.

Like, everyone expects me to keep my mouth shut about my issues. It seems like no one else in our entire group talks about problems in their homes. This pressures me into thinking I need to do the same.

I went to councelling once, a couple of weeks ago. I didn't like the guy, so I stopped.

I think if I had a woman, I'd probably still be going now. Why do I always feel this way? Why can't I feel normal for once?

Why is it that I'm afraid when I grow older, and can't control my memory as well, or let my personality out of control, why is it that I think I'll be too dangerous. Why do I think I might be insane?

Why do I think that?

Why won't anyone help me? How is it, that I can feel trapped and surrounded, yet free and open at the same time?

I feel like something, like I need to get something or do something or say something. I feel like my brain is eating itself inside out.

That's why I like doing drugs, I think. So, I can escape from my own brain.

Why is it that I feel insane, like I know more than anyone else? Yet, I am no genius. I am no math nerd, or English major. I am no psycho analysis technician, or clever well-thought out prodigy.

I think I am just normal insane. The kind that's trapped in their own head.

And, I think everyone knows it, but denies it as much as they can.

And, I think if I mentioned it, I would get some awful crazy looks.

And, I think I'm okay with that.

Because, I think I'm tired of being someone I'm not.

I mean, yes I am tired of being me, too.

I don't like me. I want to get away from me. I'm sick of listening to me talk to me. Me is depressing. Me needs to go away for a couple of months.

I'm going to numb myself for a while. See how that haitus will work out.

Engage auto-pilot.




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