Middle Child

Listen. Don't Speak.
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2011-03-09 03:34:33 (UTC)

Heartbreak, part 1

I feel that it is necessary to jot down the emotional shit I've been going through in the past week and a half. I'm also going to write about the shit my girlfriends go through as well. Why am I doing this? To remind myself of how heartbroken I am and to allow other readers to know what kind of sick thoughts go through the minds of women (not all thoughts are normal... seek help if needed, please).

** Please note, I am in my twenties, with a university degree in Psychology. I do read a lot about relationship, neuropsychology and anything within in between.

** I want to start by discussing the thoughts and feelings I've been experiencing (since I'm currently living them now). Then I want to follow through with the ways in which I am coping through the heartbreak.


In the relationship I was in, it was evident that he was starting to reveal his insecurities. I found myself apologizing for minor things I did; things he took way out of context. Not only did I apologizing a lot, but I always had to reassure HIM that I am in love with him; that I do see him in my future and want to be with him forever.
---- So I ask myself, why did I apologize? I know I did not do anything wrong and I should not have apologized for almost 6 days in row!

Again with his insecurities. I changed my facebook picture in hopes to get HIS attention. Big mistake. Not something I should have done considering he is insecure. I was told that I was showing new pictures to guys. I was so hurt, yet so angry that he would even think like this. What did I want to do to defuse this, to make sure it never happened again? I told him I would delete my facebook if it was going to be a problem. I would have given him my passwords for my emails! I would have read to him my online diary!!! How fucking insane is this! I'm sure us women have had these thoughts permeate in our minds as a way to prove our honesty.
----- So I ask myself, was it really necessary to go that far in proving my love and honesty with my ex? I do not think so. We need to keep things to ourselves. We need our own privacy. Us women need to be with men who will not try to bring us down because of their securities! We should not have to make sacrifices (deleting facebook, giving them passwords, allowing them to search our cellphones).
----- So now I ask the ex, would you have done the same to prove to me you're not hiding something from me? I highly fucking doubt it.

Now the next thing I'm about to say is something we've been taught in sex-ed back in elementary/high school. NEVER NEVER NEVER GET PREGNANT TO KEEP A MAN! Our first major argument, honestly, I wished that I was .01% pregnant. Why such a low percentage? Because I know in my heart he was not the one for me. I know in my mind that I will not and cannot raise a child alone. I want to raise I child with my husband- am man who loves me unconditionally- that was not him.
I know this is a common thought that occurs in the minds of women when they are in a middle or end of a relationship. In our brain, the region for reasoning becomes clouded with our emotions. We cannot think straight because our hearts are broken; because we now have to learn to live with ourselves again.

That brings me to my next point. The first seven? Eight days? Actually, it's still an ongoing feeling, I have been feeling lonely. What thoughts brought up those feelings? I will tell you based on my own personal experiences. The most common feeling is the feeling that you no longer have that person to talk to every single day. Really, we texted each other every single morning, during the day and called each other at night! He became my habit. When it was cut cold turkey, it really hit me- I am definitely alone again. I should also add a very important part about this Lonely section, even in my relationship I felt lonely. I missed him a lot. So in reality, to tell myself that the relationship is over, really made me feel extremely lonely. I wake up in the morning expecting his morning text. Evening when I return home from school, I lay in bed preparing myself to call him. At night, I monitor the time to make sure I'm awake when he calls me to wish a goodnight. Another thought that stirs up my feelings of loneliness, when I think about how I have to dreadfully search again for Mr.Right.

I've noticed something and I would not have thought about it if it wasn't for my mother. She said to me, "we cannot find people who are mentally stable anymore. Everyone nowadays have some kind of problem". My ex-boyfriend dated a lot of girls during his twenties. He had a few weekly, monthly girlfriends, but he also had one serious 4 year relationship which ended terribly. It also bought to my attention that he may been feeling a sense of insecurity because he is afraid to get hurt again, maybe for the hundredth time? If this is the case, then I want to yell it out there for everything to know- DO NOT DATE TOO MANY PEOPLE! Ultimately you will eventually become so hurt, so insecure, so afraid to open up and love, that you will miss a wonderful chance to actually find Mrs. Right or Mr. Right. I have not dated many guys, but the guys that I have dated were all different in terms of how I conducted the relationship, our bond and the way it ended. I have been more aware of lying, body language, personality change, etc., but not to the point where I am going crazy on the guy!


I'm going to end it here... I'll write more on the following topics..

-- neglecting friend
-- held back from events (singles bar)
-- happiness others have love
-- hair style, nail polish, lip gloss



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