Tarja

SunsetTears
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2011-03-08 23:13:52 (UTC)

I lied

Yo. I'm back and I'm just as irritating as ever. More so actually because guess what!!! I did that one thing I said I wasn't going to do again. lolz, yeah. Typical. Someone says that they won't do something to mar their own flesh, and then a couple months later they do it anyways right?

Well I'm not some new breed of people. I just couldn't keep it back this time.

You see, there's some shit going down at home and I'm sick and tired of it. My youngest sister found out that I was anorexic and cut. Doesn't know I'm currently in that state, but anyhow...

I'm sick and tired of her being on my ass because her sister "isn't around any more" and she's losing me. Yeah, cause I was there in the first place. Right. You're funny.

Then I got that guy I was talking about earlier saying things like he wants to get back together with me.

Mom wants to threaten to shove a tube down my throat if I don't eat more. Which pisses me off, because I eat more than my little sister. And she eats like a horse.

But anyhow, back to the cuts. I didn't really CUT per say, but I did get a friction burn on my wrist again. In the same place as last time too. It's not all that hard either.

Ah, well, I guess I can't say I didn't cut, because I did on my leg quite a bit. They're really deep. I think I hit something sensitive, because it hurts a lot more than usual.

One of my friends is really nice about it though. I told her because I felt really bad about it and I really needed someone to talk to who had done it also. It's not that I like pain. It's that I need control. And right now I don't feel like I really have all that much control over my surroundings. I mean, mom is prohibiting me from dating pretty much anyone. And dad thinks that my gal friend is a bad influence, when she's really the best influence I have right now.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just kinda pissed I guess. I want to date that one guy, but he hurt me...again. And there's another two guys that like me, and mom will only let me date one of the guys of the three. I don't think that it's fair that mom won't let me date people that aren't of my religion, but I can understand that she doesn't want to lose her child. Quite frankly though, I think that I'm the only child she ever really and truly had any chance of failing in raising. And maybe that's just because I'm completely opposite from everyone else in my family. But still

Oh, and the reason I say I'm opposite is not because I'm 17 (birthday in October, so I've been 17 for a while) but because we have actually taken this real personality test. Trust me, it works. But anyhow. My family is really quiet and such, and I'm like the black sheep.

I like loud things, and I like to be in crowds, and I like having loads of friends, and even if I'm a little shy, I will get out of my comfort zone occasionally.

My family won't.

But back to the subject up a ways.

I think that I'm going to have to sneak a lot if I want to get away with what I really want to do. If I want to date Tyler, Will, or John (the guys that like me) then you know what, I'm going to. Even if I do have to "lie" to make sure that Angela doesn't know for sure if the rumors are true.

But I do hope that Will (the dude that's been emotionally hurting me) will just kinda let me go. That way it's just that much easier to step away and say that, you know what, I'm not the small and fragile girl you knew in the beginning. I'm stronger than you think.

But until I truly step back for a while, I don't think that I can ever really get away from all of this shit.

Anywho. I'm leaving. I'll definitely write tomorrow though. Promise on my life.

Tarja


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