TrailOfTears

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2011-03-07 08:23:24 (UTC)

Another Day Another Fight

I'm finally going to face reality. I will never stay up to date with a journal or diary.I've tried for years, but I just get side tracked. It might actually help me sort out my feelings to come on here more often. Regardless, I don't see that happening.

Our fights are beginning to feel less and less like power struggles. We don't flip our lids quite as much, but this one thing still digs into our relationship: the booze. The damned booze. I've always had an affinity for drinking, and I've been drinking since I was 17. Back then, I drank maybe every other month. Ever since then, I've had this awful alter-ego that comes with the drinking and the party. I take that whole speaking my mind thing to a whole new level, I'm obnoxious, and I lose essentially all control over myself.

To some people, the loss of control is an unacceptable outcome to a social gathering. I unfortunately have a natural tendency to pursue such a state without even realizing it. While drinking, I'm never thinking about drinking until I lose my memory. I don't think about drinking until I vomit. I simply drink. There is an absolute lack of foresight in my motives. It's not good, and it's been an area of trouble for me.

The primary problem is that I make an ass out of myself when I get too drunk. This might be a time when I'm alone with friends, at a small party with some old some new, or large parties with friends and/or family. The secondary problem is that I really like to drink, but alcohol affects me differently in different situations. The tercerary problem is that krysha typically drinks very little, so she ends up bearing the full force of my asinine behavior.

The other night I was at Krysha's mom's new house, and we were drinking. They're heavy drinkers, and I fit right in. I remember probably half a dozen or so beers, (not doubt more came after my memory cuts out) at least 3 shots, and two small glasses of 21 year whiskey.

That whiskey was amazing, but it totally threw off all semblance of control I had over my alcohol intake. I didn't really do anything really dumb, and I do cut particularly loose there since I feel quite safe. Unforunately, Krysha hates it, and I end up making a joke of myself. That I can live with. It makes her sad, but I know most people get it.

Let's not mistake this. Krysha won't take the time to try to understand this minor point. I do not like the fact that I end up laughed at. I don't think it's cool, or acceptable in anyway. However, there is a stark reality that she doesn't get. Sometimes, I really need to drink. Most times I can just have a few beers and all is well. (Wine is becoming big as well.) However, sometimes I really want to get some of my closest buddies over, and I like to get retarded. Why? I have no idea why. This isn't a conscious desire. This is my life.

She might not like it, but it's just the way it is. Yeah, I could just not drink. I really feel like it is a pillar of my existence in certain ways, so I couldn't lose it without feeling the loss.

What I really need to do is choose my wild nights more carefully. I don't get enough, so I take almost every opportunity to go wild. This needs to stop. Alright, here is my plan:

1) Make a decision about how much will be drank ahead of time. We cannot drink infinite booze: we die.
2) The larger the party is, the slower we should drink. This is something that happens all too often- I drink like a fish. So, when there's a bigger group, slow down.
3) Also, I should limit the amount of mixing. I got lucky, but usually I feel like shit when that happens. Figure out what the main drink is, and stick to it. I'd say the deviation should be only like maybe 1 or 2 drinks in a night for these big ones. Like I'll do a celebratory shot with everyone if I pick beer, but I can't be pouring serious shots while drinking beer.
4) I should start checking in with Krysha. I could set benchmarks, like party starts at 8, at 10 join her when she steps out and ask how I'm doin. I think communicating with her will not only make the likelihood of overdoing smaller, while helping her relax and feel like her opinion matters.

I really want her to know that I don't only care because it bothers her. I don't exactly like it either, but it's something I struggle with. I have to be able to figure out how to get my fix here and there without sounding like I NEED to drink. I think hearing those words would worry her more than anything else. I think that if I figured out a way to have a night here and there where I can go crazy, then I'd be able to tone it down the rest of the time easily. I just don't get enough of an outlet for my energy.

We shall see.


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