Diary of a disease
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2011-03-01 14:08:53 (UTC)

Day 1 - Why is this such a problem ?

Here I am.
It's 10am. Showered, make-up done, hair done, all dressed.
I still feel like something needs to be done.
I finished the dishes, tidied up.

Oh wait, it's my weight that's bothering me. This isn't new.

I needed to find somewhere online to post my feelings. I don't want people I know to see this. They have no idea how much I suffer all the time.

I have a 3 month old baby. Before this, I was 104lbs.
I am 5'2.
At the end of my pregnancy, I weighed 164lbs.

Let's just start this off by saying: yes, I have an eating disorder.
The beginning of my pregnancy was horrible - I felt like dying every time I put food in my mouth. Then I realized, this wasn't for me anymore. I had a little baby I had to nourish. I couldn't be selfish anymore.

3 months post partum - I weigh in at 129lbs.
This is way too much.
Every day, I think it'll be a good one. Then my boyfriend comes home from work and it's the same thing every time. He force feeds me. Tells me I need to eat. I sit there and eat what he does - this is rediculous. He says he's starting a diet... well, what kind ? The one where you eat every hour ?
I can't handle this anymore. Yesterday, for example, had fish, potatoes and carrots. That wasn't enough for him. A little later, we had Chef Boyardee beefaronni.

I keep going from 124 to 130 in the span of a week because I keep malnourishing myself, and then eating too much.

I was on a 5 day fast, and he made it the worst thing for me.
This is so frustrating.
I want to be where I was at before.
I know it was not healthy the way I got there, and I know it's not healthy to continue to try to get there again, but I can't help it.
I feel power when I resrict.
I want that power. It's the only power I have in my life anymore.

My highest weight was 150 and that was NOT while pregnant.
Lowest was of course, 104.
Current weight, 129.
Goal ? You better believe it's 99lbs. There isn't anything wrong with that.
March 13 is my birthday. I know I cannot achieve this by that date.. but you better believe that by May 1st, I will be there. I cannot let this continue for any longer. I'm done with this.

I will be updating every day, with my journey. The ups and downs of this disorder I have, and every day life.

Hope there are people listening, who have this problem too.


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