hopelessly bored

trial and error
2011-02-19 18:34:33 (UTC)

oh my god

i didn't think it was possible, but i feel like a normal person.

no medication either... at least not since like monday.

i went to a show last night with my best friend and she introduced
me to one of her guy friends.

goddamn, i wanna get at that.

i'm working on it.

after the show we sat around and smoked hookah until like 1am.

today i feel like shit. fucking tobacco. won't be doing that again
soon.

(i don't typically smoke)

but i was also thinking about my future, like always.

i don't want to be a classical musician. i'm just straight up
admitting it now.

i don't have a fucking clue what i want to do instead... but i can't
do something that just isn't me.

i'm a creative and rebellious individual. i need something to rebel
to, as stupid as it sounds. it gives my life meaning. or something
like it.

i like to dye my hair. i like being pierced. i'll soon be tattooed.

i don't like to be PC, at all.

i like drugs and alcohol.

i like to play video games. i like to watch horror movies.

i don't like pretending i'm the shit. i don't like rich people. i
don't like the suburbs. i was born and raised in the city and i will
die in the city.

unless of course some horrible nuclear holocaust happens, in which
case i'm fleeing to northern canada.

anyway, to sum all this up... classical music doesn't fit my
personality. it is beautiful but lacks individuality and creative
freedom.

but the problem with this is that classical music has been my dream
for years, before i knew what it really entailed. without it, i
don't know what i want.

i consider leaving school for awhile, but i love school so much more
than being at home. i love the freedom. and i love living with my
roomie and having guys sleep over and staying up until 5 am with no
one to tell me to go to sleep.

i love being able to drink and smoke and do other dangerously
unhealthy things.

i can't believe how scarily happy i am right now.

i think it takes some really fucked up thing to make you feel good,
cause i feel incredibly sick right now.

but i'm a music major. and i do what i have to.

i don't know where i'll end up, but i won't make it out alive so
fuck it. i'll figure things out.




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