Nick's Journal
2011-02-16 22:33:30 (UTC)

This Must Be Rock Bottom

I need to write. I know I haven't in forever, but that is only because
I am so fucking busy all the fucking time. I am broke, I am looking
for a job and there is fucking nothing. That has been my situation
for the past year or so. So why write now?

Because I just applied to another dream job. At first I was half-
jokingly saying to Juliann that I didn't want to apply because of the
rejection. Of course I did, I had to. I WAS REJECTED LITERALLY WITHIN
said, "sorry, you're not qualified."

One thursday a month I volunteer for the housing justice project.
it's a program located in the court house right next to the courtroom
where all the evictions take place. we represent low income tenants
pro bono.

this past thursday i was tasked with helping a lady trying to keep
herself from being evicted. i had maybe an hour's prep time and i had
to come up with some argument i could present to the judge as to why
she shouldn't be evicted. she was a good woman who actually paid her
rent. i wanted to help her. but how?

i ended up finding a procedural technicality. i argued in front of
the judge and the other attorney damn near lost his mind. and i won.
i fucking won. it was the greatest feeling i'd ever had. our project
coordinator was beaming at me when i left the courtroom. she and the
tenant could not praise me enough.

that's why i became a lawyer. for those moments. those moments when
i actually help someone. where all the money i spent for the
education all the work i put in to passing the bar pay off. i just
love being a lawyer and i don't regret my career choice one bit.

this past weekend juli and i did our taxes. i felt like i had been
punched in the solar plexus. we owed more money than we had ever had
in our accounts ever. we didn't know what to do. we were acting like
we'd been struck by lightning. in the end, we realized we were the
lucky ones, we could ask our parents for the money.

i will tell you right now that there was no more painful thing i have
ever done than ask my parents for that money. they didn't make me feel
guilty but instead encouraged me. but i still felt like shit. how
could i let things come to this?

so now the pressure is really on. i realize now with the greatest
urgency that, although i love having my own law firm, it is simply not
financially viable for us. i need a job.

that extra pressure is nuts. you see, you can only apply to a finite
amount of jobs a day. you can't do much more. i am trying to network
but it is all so slow. my anxiety problems are just cascading. i
just hate it all right now.

anxiety is just the worst. it allows for irrational fears to creep
into my head. paranoia. ugh. i am trying my best to fight through
it but it is so fucking difficult.

and with all this whining i feel terrible. i watched this movie
called "My Flesh and Blood." it's about this woman who adopts special
needs kids. she has up to 12 at home, each with their own disability.
she takes care of all of them by herself. one kid had a skin disease
in which HIS SKIN SLID OFF OF HIS BODY! it looked so painful it was

this woman and that kid soldier on and make the best of what they can.
they realize that life is difficult and can sometimes be a struggle.
i feel crazy for having my anxiety for something that, in light of
those problems, seem pretty insignificant.

that's why i truly enjoy my volunteering. i know that's shit people
say to get into harvard, but i do. i'm not trying to impress anyone
anymore, it just is what it is.

i used to have what now seems as a completely irrational optimism of
my life. even with my anxiety i would always tell myself, "you are
starting up, things will get better, just keep on working hard."

well here i am a year later having said that and having worked hard
and i owe the IRS more money than i can even comprehend. furthermore,
as my optimism melts away doubt rears its ugly head.

who says life should get better? what if it doesn't? what if things
just stay the way they are or if they get worse?

when all of that pops into my head i just try to talk myself down as
best as possible. i try to search for that optimism just a little.
it's there somewhere inside of i just have to dig a hell of a
lot deeper to find it.