Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2011-02-13 04:58:04 (UTC)

the doar closed

Regret is folly. Regret nothing has been my motto for years. The only
problem with that is, that I do regret some things.

I was chasing after a girl, and I'd like to keep chasing after her,
but, if she was really interested, she'd tell me so. thus far, hasn't.
I'm not angry about it, I'm a little disappointed, but more I think in
myself because I was arrogant enough to believe I could do what I've
always done. Be the silver tongued devil I was years gone by. But I'm
not happy with myself, I'm not "invincible" anymore, maybe I'm feeling
my age, maybe I've grown more cynical and realism has gripped me by
the neck and is throttling the life out of me. I have to make real
changes with myself before I can be with anyone, well, thats not
entirely true, but it'll do for now. I just can't help thinking if I
pass her by and do nothing, I'll have wasted something that could have
been.. beautiful.

I was a fool. I was in love, and still am to a point with a girl who
lives in a small town, raised horses near where my grandpapa lives,
yet I avoided her, I didn't want to, but, I did because I felt ashamed
of all the bullshit in my life, the drama, the unendingness of it.
Hell, it wasnt even until just last year that my life got sorted out
even. So what kind of life could I have had with her anyways right?

I don't know, I just felt like, I wasn't enough, I wouldn't be enough
for her. And so I missed this, whole, thing with her and it was
because I felt I had nothing to offer to her, and felt like I was
nothing, and she wouldn't like me, the way I looked, the way I talked.
And then there was the whole thing about living in small town, that I
didn't, and couldn't have ever imagined myself being there, I have few
skills that would have allowed me to remain in a small town for long.
Of course, I look back now and realize, I liked living in a small
town, I enjoyed it. More than I ever thought I would have, and I
missed being with Fern, pretty much forever, that chapter closed years
ago, tried to see her again this time, but it didn't happen. There
just some doors you shouldn't try to open once they've closed. We keep
being on opposite ends of the country, might as well be the universe.
There was a point where it could have happened, but I didn't take it,
and I didn't make any effort to even try. I would apologize for it,
but it would make for a poor excuse anyways. She does deserve better
than she's had, and I'm not it. I've always had the greatest faith in
her, I knew she would be successful in her endeavors and I tried and I
like to think I succeeded in giving some, little nudge, some anecdotal
advice, to help her on her way, might be arrogance on my part, but I'm
an arrogant person.

such as it was, such as it is.

tempus fugit.

manet amor.