Pessimist

Island of my own
2011-02-07 20:48:29 (UTC)

first diary

It's wierd I find an online diary when I can easily write on paper.
I just don't want to leave any trace for my family to see.
I'm depressed since my mother sees me as a non-existing person.
She calls me the 'animal' in the house, who can't manage my own body.
Referring to my fatness. I am fat. severely.

The most frequent phrase I heard was
You will look so pretty when you lose weight.
She's good looking although she is FAT.
You are obese, don't you think about losing weight?
Then I laugh embarrassingly and curse them to die in my mind.


I recently was disapproved by Medicine being a doctor.
I think this has made myself more useless in my household.

I am nobody. Because I failed to be somebody.
I used to be christian, believe in God and jesus.
I still do.
But i am losing my faith.
Since I'm getting my life ruined by my school, career, family
I believe there is God but I think I'm not the beloved one.
It's ok. No. not really but I have no choice.

I'm becoming a pessimist. Which I was before too but a severe one.

I think about dying in my sleep and imagining my family standing around me crying for
forgiveness.

I think about being crashed by a train, where all my organs will fall out in front of my
mother that she'll never be able to treat me as nobody.

But I can never do suicide. I believe if you do suicide you'll never go to heaven.
There is one thing I really want to do. It's going to heaven when I die.
since i want a happy eternal life, without all the feelings I have to feel now.
So i will never do suicide. I believe it's useless to kill yourself when nobody will care for you.




Ad: