EllySunami

Letters to Nancy
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2011-02-03 20:29:47 (UTC)

Who am I when they arent lookin?

Stayed home today with a migrain. Not the best idea becasue my head
just starts running circles, with thought. I got a doctors app.
tomorrow. More then likely there are gonna give me more drugs, and
send me to home to sufer somemore. But what happens on the off
chance they deside to send me off to Omaha to get more tests done?
stick me in more tubs, and scans, and needles. And worse what if
they really do find something wrong. I wish it would all just go
away.

I dont know why i do the things i do. But i havent got a thing to
loose. Im not the easyest to love. Im not the kindest, or most
underdtanding. I'm a fighter. A risk taker. Im free. I feel things
more then other people do. I can cometly loose myself in any song. I
can spill out my intire heart on a blank peise of paper. Im not
sure where this road im gonna dowm is gonna take me. But im tired of
pertened im not this person. I dont need anyone, but the good Lord
to watch out for me. I dont need people to leen on. Im an
idependent. Sure sometimes it easyer with them around, but i hurt
them, and they hurt me. But more then likely, i hurt them. Ever
sence last night when Mitch told me he was joining the National
Guard, ive been thinking more and more that mybe thats the life for
me. I looked into it a and realised that i can train to be a nurse
in the Natial Gaurd. I really think thats what i want to do now.

I keep telling myself that someday everything will make sence. I
will understand why mom had to die. I will understand why dad had to
date Juily. I will understand why i couldnt have been a Linder. Ex
boyfriends, wont mean a thing and pain will be just a memory. But
who am i kidding? That wont happen til the day i die.


Mom, I really miss you. I feel you everywhere i go. I still cant
belive your gone. God, knows what ive been thought knowing, not even
Ginger can take your place. Ive completly giving up on life cause of
this. The one thing that gets me throught this is knowing ill see
your face again someday. People tell me that time will make
everything better, but that makes it worse. Every second that goes
by, and not here, makes this more real.


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