EllySunami

Letters to Nancy
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2011-02-02 04:07:40 (UTC)

Waiting for the End

Depression. One word I once feared, and now i live. It was the one
thing that always got in the way of me and my mom. And now its
getting in the way of every one i care about. When i get depressed,
i refuse to talk to really anyone. I dont want to tell people about
my problems, they are mine, not anyone else. About i week ago, i got
really depressed about my mom, my dad, everyone. I refused to talk
to Randy. 6 days i went not wanting to talk to him, and he was the
one i always wanted to talk to. But not then. 6days was all it took
for Randy to give up on me. 6 days. 7days was too many for him to
wait. Guess i should have seen it coming. I cant just shut the world
out and expect them to wait for me to come out again, but i would
like to think they would. Shai understand it a little more, but she
trys to do the oppiset of what i want her to. Rather then just
giving me space she wont leave me alone no matter what. She thinks
im going to comit suiside or somthing. Ive not really thought about
killing myself, honest. Although i have thought several times that
maybe it would be for the best if i were to get in a major car
acciedent. Or end up with cancer. I would finally be free from
everything here, from this pain, and worry. But i wouldnt kill
myself. There was Jon Spangler too. Before when i was with Randy, i
tryed hard to blow off our friendship. When im reality i should have
told Randy that Jon was one of my best friends and he would have to
deel with it. Jon underdstod better then anyone how i felt. He knew
when i was sad, that all i needed was someone with bigger ears, then
a moth. Once i figgered out that he was meet to be my friend insteed
of a bf, everything worked out. That is until i told him to screw
off for RAndy. Which is weird consitering Jon still proimise to kill
Randy for me. I told him not to. Randy was sorta right. It was
pointless to date if i wouldnt talk for 6days strait. But its not
like i did that alot. And as Jon said, With my mom dead, and home
life not so great right now, i desver to be a little pissy now and
then. Randy does desver better. He is so nice, and sweet and kind. I
hope he finds some better then me. Someone who can be themselfs
around him, unlike Randi. Some one preatyer then Taylor or Taylor.
Someone who truely desvers him. Im not sure i desver anyone right
now. No guy should ever have to ride my rollercoster of a life that
i got right now.

I had a dream of mom. She came back to life, but it was only
temperaly. It was so nice to talk to her in my dream. But it left me
sick inside. Im sick of only seeing her in rare dreams. I want my
old life back. When i wasnt depressed all the time, when my life
wasnt so confussing. They say time makes it better, but i wanna
know, how much time? Cause so far, its only gotten worse. I hppe
the end is near. I dont wanna wait any longer.


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