Aj

Unknown_
2011-01-24 04:55:21 (UTC)

My first diary entry!

The reason I decided to make an online diary is to have something to
vent to, Something to vent to without judgement. Lately I feel like
its me against the world, I fell as though I have no one on my side.
I felt like this a majority of my life. As a kid I had no one to
really take the time to talk to me . People just labeled me as "the
bad kid" and never took the time to wonder why. No matter what I do I
still I am labeled "the bad kid" I dont know why ??? It seems like
every time I do somethong wrong its blown out of proportion. I feel
like no matter what I do I will always be the problem child. I come
off to be this girl with no emotions this girl that is some "badass"
but in reality Im insecure and sensitve. From the outside looking in
I appear to be this strong girl but every chance I have to sleep or
to cry away my pain I take it. I feel like maybe I should let people
in let people really know what I go through on a daily bases. Then
again something always hold me back, I hate the position Im in I feel
like Im stuck and there is no way out I feel like Im gonna be stuck
depending on people for my happiness. I always have depended on
someone else to make me happy , No matter how much I try to make
myself happy it never works. I hate being alone I hate no having
someone to vent to , I hate that I have so many secrets about my past
that no one knows. I feel like there I a wall built around me
speratimg me from everyone, its like me holding these secrets from
everyone is also holding me away from everyone. Its like maybe if I
just let someone know whats really been going on with me I wont have
to continue gooding through it alone. But would it really make a
difference? They are already stuck in there ways. I feel like no
matter what Im always gonna have pain on a daily bases, no matter who
I tell or who really knows how I feel I will always have pain. I try
to forget about the past but when I try to forget it just makes me
think about it more and more. I ask myself every night why me? Why
did I have to be the one that had to be put through what I went
through why am I the one alone why does everyone exclude me from
everything why did I have to be put through what I went through? I
dont deserve this life im living I dont deserve to be so alone. I try
to wake up with a positive attitude every morning but its hard when
the only thing you think of every hour of the days is the past, the
smallest things trigger memories from the past colors,mrriors,
scents, touches.Its impossible to forget something that your reminded
of everyday.




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