pensive problematic

a thought in the mind of her
Ad 2:
2011-01-17 23:55:24 (UTC)

old friends never truly leave

I thought maybe by accepting the fact that they were never really
good people, not good for me anyway, then i could learn to forget and
continue.

but every so often i get reminded, as we all do.

but there's one such reminder that seems much stronger.
one that begs the dreaded "what if" question.

i think the reason this particular memory is so vivid and defiant
is becuase it was perfectly innocent.
there was nothing wrong about it.
that is, to say, nothing about the friendship was bad, or built on
impurities.
and i firmly believe that if he only knew how his memory haunted me,
he would be truly satisfied.

You see, the only wrong thing, that i now see in hindsight, was that
i made him suffer greatly.
he asked for no more than permission to enter and i denined him time
after time.

and i was so convinced that i would have him forever... until he could
no longer take it.
and he left.

he said good bye of course. with so much aversion it actually made me
feel bad.
but more importantly, it made me worry.

Worry that i've lost him... truly.
he's never coming back.
my umpteenth chances have expired.
and he's never coming back.

for the past 6 years i've thought about him
wondered where he is
how he's doing
even tried googling him

10 years ago i never would have thought that i'd be able to admit
what i'm about to
because i never realized how shallow and self absorbed i really was.
but now, I can tell you with utter honesty that i miss him.

BUT

there's an evilness in me that says:
No, you don't miss him... you miss "it".
and by "it" i mean the attention that only he ever gave you.
the lust without touch that you knew he denied himself becasue he not
only respected you
but because he cared for you.
more so even that i dare name what he felt for you was love.
so much love that he endured more than 4 years of self inflicted
mental, emotional and most likely physical torture becuase of you.
and you didn't give him so much as an embrace of friendship!
you miss the admiration he had for you
the way he made you feel by practically kissing the ground you walked
on.


and i beleive it. i tell myself that all i miss is the attention.
and that i shouldn't seek him in anyway becuase he is probably
happier without me.
he doesn't need me popping into his life again saying
"hey remember me?! let's get back to you worshipping me again! i miss
that, don't you?!"

Leave him alone i say. it's time for me to get a spoon full of my own
meds...


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