Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2011-01-17 13:39:12 (UTC)

Living on the Edge

So I think I finally figured out why I've been so restless, bored and
alternatively, morosely apathetic about, well, almost everything.
Since pretty much, last january, I've been living in constant turmoil
of one kind or another. waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I was
living in London, things were great, but it wasn't enough. it never
is. I was fine until january last year, hell, it started out as a
great year, some parts of it were iffy, but once I was into february,
there was a lingering doubt as to where things were going. But I kept
my chin held high, hell, I had a fantastic valentines day with a girl
who had zero interest in me, which is fine, typical of my choices in
women, always the beautifully unobtainable ones who spark that fury of
lust within my beating romantic heart. I recently felt that spark
flare to life again, it's been a nice feeling, it's simmered, it's
still there, I don't know how to make it work, I don't know if it
could, but I'll still try, I'm nothing if not perseverance personified.

I get a new roomie, he's fine. And then, two days after valentines
day, I'm ganked out of the world, thrust into another one I've little
taste for, and suffered the indignities therein. Such is life, you
make your bed, you lie in it, you make choices, you suffer the
consequences, you pay the price for whatever succor you've demanded,
reap what you sow, sort of thing none of these things are in dispute.
I certainly accept them as simply, par for the course.

But, July in ottawa was a mess, I up and moved to montreal, wherein it
too was a mess of, what now, what am I going to do for money, how do I
go forward, and when I do, where does it lead. all roads, at the time
led west. I was told certain things, took them at face value, even
though I thought them to be lies, or half truths, smothered in what
little faith in humanity I have left. and then I get here, and it's a
bit of a fustercluck, october I have to worry about my job, november I
get a job, but gords pissing me off, and my bosses are evil, and then
december, I finally get all things sorted out with the trust, but the
reasons for coming here are, well, dust in the wind, broken dreams as
it were. and now, I have my new roommate moving out. my job is gone, I
ragequit it, I'm not paying for someone elses mistakes, probably could
have handled it better. didn't. I should avoid working in pizza
delivery. seriously.

I've been living on the edge for so long, I've forgotten how to relax,
how to breathe, how to live. I feel like shit all the time, I try to
eat healthy, and do so for a day or two, only drown my melancholy in
junk food and then berate myself for it afterwards. I don't know what
to do, my first impulse is to flee, it's my first best, impulse, pack
up, go. It's what I do best. It's what I hate about myself most. When
I had cats, I had to make a stand, my mother was, such as she was, a
form of stability. a horrid toxic mess of one, but still, there it was.

I have no rock to anchor myself to. I just want to sit in the sun and
read a book. I can't even relax for 10 minutes without wanting to jump
out of my seat for whatever reason, unknown to myself. I think my
problem is, I keep looking for a rock, and all I find are grains of
sand on a beach, the tides rolling in and out on a whim. I lack
stability and I think it's slowly killing me. and I never realized
just how much I needed it. or even wanted it. or missed it.

so now what. how the hell do I get over this. I feel lost. and I don't
usually feel that way. but this, somehow feels different. I'm not
sure, but it's like, I clawed my way, tooth and nail out of a black
pit, only to have the walls close in, fall over, and I'm trapped
amongst the rubble.