Ranmat

The Last Hours
2011-01-17 20:45:44 (UTC)

a year after the d u i

I cant sleep.

For some reason thinking about this DUI program that will have been
completed in 2 more sessions.

"Why is this a happy Saturday", is a routine question.
And usually when its someone last meeting, they cant help but to say
it. And they are asked what did they think about the program.

I already know i will not be one of those people. I dont like the
attention. But then... its no way I would be able to sum it up and
not take up the whole hour and 1/2 of the class.

I know I will not write an exit letter upon my exit interview. It
wont be enough time.

But as I lay here..... I think about all the things over the years
tht have built up in stress that lead me to the class.

Liquir has always been a "light" subject.

My mom married an alcoholic but he was "married" into our family and
routine. Otherwise no one turned a regular occasion into a
specitical because of it. He was in a class all to his own.

Liguir was a part of partying since high school. what teenager isnt
introduced to it at one point or another.

Clubs offered it.

Dates offered it.

My mom drinks a glass in the morning and a glass when she comes
home.

Before we cooked on sundays, when the whole family got together, we
started it off with it.

It was nothing to drive with it. You wouldnt be drunk though. It
was so common it didnt seemed illegal.

After work or in meetings people "socialized" with it.

After so many years of that, it becomes a part of you.

If there is no drink there, you dont freaking panic. If there isnt
any money, you dont go robbing or borrowing. You could go weeks.
Its not like you craved it or couldnt stop. So i never looked at it
as a problem.

I knew my tolerance was off the chain though. The fact that it took
so much money to get me to feeling "nice", was reason not to drink.

So when i moved on top of a bar, it didnt help. I like playing host
and liked that I knew how to make a good drink.... out of anything.

I had always focused in on my budd habit that i didnt want to kick
but knew I should kick. I was raised believing that God wants you
to have a "sound" mind at all times. I knew that it was lame for a
person to have to be "altered" to do certain things in life like,
enjoy music or food or create or handle. So budd had always been
the one I had a love/hate relationship with.

Or even emotional eating.

Or abusing sex.

But not liquir. I can count on 1 hand, in the last 10 years where I
have had a "stupid" episode with liquir.

A 1000 extra to save after bills every month, too much time on my
hands. Not a good combination. Although I was an adult, i always
felt like something was missing.

One stupid night I had consentual sex with someone who snuck off the
condom on me. I ended up pregnant. The father basically was
drowning in his own shit to attend to mine and the childs at the
time. When he finally came around, truth be told, he will
never "get it". Our families are like Good times meets the
Huxtables. Which equaled stress.

Me being party girl turned into trying to be the mom I want to be
but really wasnt ready and over night? equalled stress.

Having being expected to do all the cleaning, cooking, washing =
stress - for now 3 people.

Having absolutely no help from anyone while i raised a newborn in
the first two years with no downtime out outlet? = stress.
It didnt get better until my son was potty trained at 3.

While I dealt with the everyone needs something right now job and
you constantly have to do more job but we refusee to pay you what
you are worth job = stress.


Not to mention the expectations family had on me to still take
charge with certain things and my own personal hang ups that just
got buried deeper because other things were more important.

but finally the time had came where i had paid off all of my bills.
I knew something would come up. It always does.
But finally debt free??? Time to celebrate. I took off 3 days to,
too. Of course this involved drinking and a lil bit of using which
I hadnt down in over 3 years and never the time before that.
Smoked..... all day. It was the first day since before I had my son
that I had so much time without him and extra money...... so I had
reverted back to the same person I was because i didnt understand
that there were other things to do.

This was the night i got arrested. It could have been so much
worse. But it was so horrible! For me. For my son. It was
embarrasing. The people who looked up to me - disappointed. The
people who admired me = disappointed. I endangered so many people
on multiple levels. Possible my all time low. It was a blessing i
had people near me who really cared and knew exactly what to do in
that situation. It costs me so much. It took from me so much. I
still have the guilt of being an unfit mom although moms tell me
that they inspire to be a mom like me. Ha... if they only knew THAT
one freaking day they wouldnt say that.
But at the end of the day....because what could have happen didnt,
and because what i realized from that day.... it was a blessing.

Coming to the groups and educational classes in the beginning was
hard because it is not my style to "share". I dont know these
people. I wont know these people. My "experiences' is none of their
business, etc.

Although I was strangely happy as hell to be driving my car at night
by myself (thus how stress i was) to be going to group session.

I hated i had to spend more money to get a babysitter to even
attend. Hated i was keeping this a secret from so many people.
Hated I had to do this for 9 months. Hated that I had so much to do
but no time for this and then when i finally get there, were doing
some crap like "if your happy and you know it clap your hands". I
thought it was a waste of my time. Mainly because i felt i didnt
belong there. I dont get in trouble anymore. I dont have a
drinking problem.

Yet, i still continued to drive under the influence. Because i'm not
a quitter! LOL... JK.... i was still looking at it lightly. I know
of so many people who do do it that its more of a challenge for me
to think of who i know that do not do it. But in back of my mind,
i would think of all the what if's and i knew it wasnt worth it.
Ironically i got a car pool buddy. couldnt drink/smoke/drive with
her in the car. It would bother me that she took up my
only "freedom" time but i also looked at her as a protection. When
she didnt ride with me anymore.... i decided not to pick back up the
habit.

And then there is AA. The cult for drunken losers who didnt come
from a sound family. I know i shouldnt say that. I will save my
sharing for them for another day, but i will say... having to sit up
in thre and hear their stories, will make you want to drink. In the
beginning. But after a while, it just makes drinking so over
rated. To see how bad they all look. Makes you want to just drink
water.

I havent felt like drinking. I dont like that full feeling. I dont
feel like the taste either which i was drawn moreso to then
the "fun" feeling. I havent smoked, although, i kinda dont see
anything wrong with an occasional puff.... with all the bs with the
dispenceries and the local budd man.... i have no energy or time for
it. I like that i'm more alert. I like that i have slowed down by
my choice. I changed my number recently to shake people. I want to
get home to my son so we can go over sight words, read stories,
whatever.... he is at a critical age right now.

If i dont feel like doing something... i'm just not going to do
it... and not feel guilty because i'm inconvincing or letting
someone else down. Im done with spreading myself too thin or "being
there" because i can. I dont feel like i'm missing anything
anymore. My old habits are not fixing anything anymore. I've come
to a cross road where i have to move forward to be happy with
myself. Im tired of being everything to everyone all the time. I'm
throwing in the towel with that one.

I dont know if its because i'm getting older. Or that i have
learned an valuable lesson and an expensive lesson (4800 worth)
that made me submit. I dont know if it was because of Melvin's
passion for what he believes and him deeply wanting to help someone
else "see" the light and to consider themselves. (I did not get the
same message from any one else's class that i visited there).
Melvin although sometimes got on my nerves is excellent at what he
does. He demands attention with his energetic teaching style,
though using every minute to cram into your head any provoking
thought to take with you. He is to be truly respected and therefore
cannot critic the program as a whole. I do remember some of what
Damian has said. But i dont know how beneficial the program would
have been for me if i didnt experience Melvin's class.

I currently have not drank, smoked or used. Or dated. I'm taking
this year to self reflect, eat healthier, establish a relationship
with Jehovah and stack my paper back up.





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