makin~it~happen

As the Cold Wind Blows
2011-01-14 03:33:33 (UTC)

January 13, 2011

Forty eight days ago, I realized....rather, I admitted, that I have
a drinking problem. I realized it long before I was able to admit
it, not only to myself, but to others as well. I kept coming up
with reasons why I wasn't an alcoholic.....I never woke up with
hangovers, I always made it to work on time, and never missed a day
of work due to drinking, my bills were being paid (or so I told
myself), my child was being taken care of, etc, etc, etc. In
thinking back, I can't decide which is worse, waking up with a
hangover, or not remembering a thing that happened the night
before. Even though I was "hangover free", I still had that black
cloud covering my eyes. I couldn't just stop at one or two drinks.
I would remember one or two drinks, and the next thing I would know,
I was waking up in my own bed (thank GOD!), not remember how I got
there, or even how I got home. It wasn't until the Tuesday before
Thanksgiving 2010 that I finally had to admit to myself that I was
going to end up killing myself, or worse, someone else. On that
Monday night, I had gone to dinner with my family. What I learned
the next day was that at 8:30 PM that Monday night, my brother-in-
law reminded me that I needed to take my son home to get him ready
for bed because he had school the next day. I drove him home, made
him get out of the car in the driveway so I could park it in the
garage, backed the car down the hill in the back yard before pulling
it back up on the driveway and into the garage. I then yelled at
him for not having a key to get into the house. Here's the scary
part....I don't remember any of it. I remember being at dinner
Monday night, and I remember waking up for work Tuesday morning, but
nothing in between. So, in a drunken stupor on Thanksgiving night,
I made the announcement to my family that I hated who I had become
and I was going to quit drinking. I was using Thanksgiving weekend
as a "goodbye to alcohol" weekend. And here I am, 48 days later
without a drop. It definately hasn't been an easy road, and I've
definately had days where I easily could have had many drinks, but
it's really given me an opportunity to really evaluate my life and
see things I need to change to make me a better mom, sister, friend,
girlfriend, wife (someday), etc. The thing I struggle with the most
is having to actually deal with my feelings and situations that
arise. No more looking into the bottom of a bottle for the answer.
I truly have to look within myself and discover the real me in order
to determine the answers that I need to fulfill my life. On top of
this, I have decided to stop sneaking around smoking cigarettes
(yes, I'm quitting those too), and have gotten really serious about
losing these extra pounds I've accrued over the years. (15
down....several more to go). One day at a time.......

This is my journey




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