Vanilla

Me. Fuked up little me. Oh who would have thought

So I think I have a mixture of problems, one of them ofcourse being
obbsession. I also think I may have bipolar, depression or some sort
of problem in regards to that.

Mainly because the extremes of emotions I have been going through.
Past few months ago when I felt suicidal, sick and panicky. And now
those feelings are creeping up inside me again. Atleast I have
accepted that I have a serious mental condition and have just
diagnosed myself today. I refuse to run away from these problems now
and pretend to be normal Ive actually given up.

This is what Ive figured out. Im not in love with anyone firstly.
However I have compulsive needs. I NEED men in my life that will look
after me want me and love me. Why? Simply because my dead father never
managed to give it to me as a child. I have realized all this has
stemmed me to NEED this from men. I start feeling scared and alone
when im not in a relationship but then when I get into one I
constantly need them there, make them go slightly psycho as I keep
them close and then start to feel suffocated and scared that im all
alone just me and them in the world and im cutting everyone else out
which makes me paniky so I dump them. Now im alone again and scared as
hell so need a replacement relationship. So this has become a
destructive cycle and I think ive been using all these obbssesive
feelings and the desire to constantly want someone or something to
stop myself from whats really effecting me and thats my overly fuked
up childhood. Anyways im currently in a position that has reaaaaally
pushed and forced me to look deeper into the problem even though its
easier and possibly less painful to avoid it because I feel as if
there is no solution. So what now?

Well mother is booking an appointment with the gp because I need
councelling or medication. Theres practically no way out for me and to
be honest I dnt want to run away anymore I want to face it.