Me Complicated
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2010-12-30 14:52:19 (UTC)

Happy New year????

I dreamt about pete again. I have alot of dreams about him. in every
dream he is not romantically involved with me but he is with me. us
just hanging out together. but in the dream he is always interested
in someone else. is this my mind telling me to face the truth? i know
he is over me, i just dont want to accept it. i want to hear from him
that he did love me, that he wished things ended differently. why do
ineed that? we can never be together now so what difference would
that make. but i need to hear it. i need to know, did he really want
to be with me once or was it all a lie? 10 years later and I still
love him. that is a long time. he has moved on and i pretend to have
moved on but my heart still longs for him. i sent him a message via
email the other day and he responded. i just sent a friends message,
nothing to hint that i still love him. i just wanted to know how he
would respond. his response was quick and polite. and he ended it
with "take care" not the ending i wanted to read. but i expected it
may be that way. seems he doesnt care to be friends. maybe i needed
to see that response to really kick me in the butt to just let go but
i cant. the heart wants what it wants. why cant i turn this feeling
off. bury it deep away and forget? it has been 2 years since i saw
him or talked to him and i still think of him daily - why? Ughh....i
hate having to fake my happiness and smiles when i'm really thinking
of him and he does not even think of me at all. i've tried to change
my thoughts when I catch myself thinking of pete, but it's like a bad
habit and i go right back to day dreaming. 10 years of loving him and
i cant stop. he is like a ghost that haunts me everyday and in my
dreams. God, I just want to be able to leave it behind, move on and
be completetly happy but something is missing. i want to be happy
just as he is. but i feel stuck not able to move forward or backwards
just stuck. i need help but i cant talk to anyone about this because
I know what i will hear "get over it", "you are too pretty to worry
about him" "you have everything you want right now", etc etc and it's
true but i dont have him. this was not how it was supposed to be. i
think i secretly hope that we will be together one day again. like
those couples who reunite after 10-20 yrs but i dont want to wait
that long. i will continue to dream about him if that is the only way
i can have him. i know its sad but i rather have him some way than no
way for now. i'm not strong enough to let go but i hope one day i
will. i want to find that love, passion that i once had with him.