Me Complicated
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2010-12-28 19:25:30 (UTC)


The holidays were good this year. My boys got alot of nice things and
so did I. I also got to give some good gifts but also I started to
think about what I want to let go of for the new year. I'm letting go
of some family members that I just cant stand and trying to control
my temper more often or at least watch what I say before I say it.
I want to be a better person.
But I still have to let go of him. I look at his profile online
almost everyday and check out the pictures and if he posted anything
about his life. I sent him a message. Something vague and friendly as
if I do not care or think of him the way I really do. He hasnt
responded. I think what is the worse he can do - ignore me? Nope.
The worse could be that he says to me to leave him alone; that it's
better I dont contact him. I wont like to hear that at all. I want
him in my life somehow, someway and I really shouldnt. I have to be
careful because I do not want it to ruin my relationship that I have
now. There as been too much that has happened in our lives for either
of us to be together. I'm crazy. he doesnt even want to be with me!
I can never be with him again but I cant let him go. my heart still
belongs to him. I mean I can move on with someone else and love BUT
I think he is my true love. the one that got away. the one I messed
up and let slip away. i will always have the what ifs; the what could
of been thoughts. I hope one day I will be over him. to be able to
give my whole heart and soul to someone and just look back once in
awhile at my past, smile and be okay. i love you pete. i love you
still to this day. i think about you all the time. pete why did you
give up on me? you left me to see what I would do and I left only do
regret it. i didnt give us a chance when you finally returned. i love
you pete. i love you so much. i never felt that way about anyone
since you or even before you. i know you are the ONE that will always
have a that special place in my heart. wish i could get you out but a
part of me likes having you there. i feel so good reminiscing about
us and then I get sad but the loving feeling i have i cant let go.
its like a drug and at the same time i am lonely. feeling that way
tells me that I am missing something in my life. there has to be
someone that can make me feel that way again right? but i want it to
be you. all the laughs we had, the good sex, the deep talks and the
plans we made. the love letters, everything was real right? it had to
be so how could we have went our seperate ways. i think i might
always love you and knowing that you are over me really hurts. i
kinda wish you still felt something for me. at least I would not feel
so bad thinking i'm the only person feeling this way. i miss you and