angelcache

aspirations of a brokenheart
2010-12-27 23:21:41 (UTC)

me being me

how can i still feel like nothing has changed? and yet everything
has. i have a new lil girl dependin on me and yet i feel as if i
still don't matter. sometimes i feel like the world will end and i
will have made no impact. my oldest daughter must be ok with not
seeing me or hearing from me as i have not recieved a call from her.
sometimes i feel like she feels bad for me so thats why she sees me.i
wish she would be more open with me and talk to me more. it seems
that my cousin knew that she didn't really like her last stepmom and
yet i never knew.my sister is good to me despite past mistakes on my
part but then there are times when she doesn't seem to understand the
seriousness of my feelings when it comes to my daughter and its like
i feel like yelling at her cause she (hopefully) will never have to
understand what it feels like to not spend holidays/birthdays with
your own child or to be scrimpin pennys just to get by because the
govenrment is milking you for all that you have and your ex is lovin
every moment of seeing you struggle. this is why sometimes i feel
like i'm alone in my feeling of being hurt and not being vindicated
when it comes to what happened to me while i was in that relationship.
right now there's a birthday gathering going on and i can't even
bring myself to make an appearance because i feel stupid singing the
birthday song and i just don't feel like celebrating someone else's
birthday when i can't seem to celebrate my child's or mine at times.
what the hell is wrong with me. nine years i've been waiting to have
another child and now i have her and i'm still as sad and lonely as
the day that i finally got the strength to leave that asshole.why? i
can't even read my bible not because i don't have the time sometimes
i find it i just don't feel like i deserve to read it anymore. i know
God knows i'm here and he blesses me everyday that i wake its just
idk sometimes i feel like idk that maybe its just a cruel joke.




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