- s o u l

music's innovations .
2010-12-27 09:30:59 (UTC)

the kill .

"what if i wanted to break? laugh it all off in your face? what would
you do? what if i fell to the floor...? couldn't take this anymore..
what would you do?"


happy late christmas everybody. i got what i wanted. an ipod touch!
and more importantly, for my dad to feel better. and yeah, he's
better, alright. i painted my nails black and my dad told me it looked
like a blind person did them. he then bought me a nail set for
christmas and said it was from santa. yeaaahhh, my dad's just peachy
keen.

anyway, i had another weird dream.. i had somebody tell me i was cute.
and it was a girl. and for once in my dream, i actually know this
girl. she use to go to my middle school. i remember her saying she
didn't like me because i was "all that" and i always had something to
say. WELL, i can tell you know that in middle school, i was the shit,
ha ha. i was kinda popular, i made friends easily, i wasn't shy, and i
got along with everyone pretty well. but that chick? i don't know why
she was hatin' on me, lol. i think i had like two classes with her.
and i don't even remember talking to her in middle school! she just
kept her smart-ass opinions to herself, and one of her trustworthy
friends told me she didn't like me. my response? "welp, that's one
less person in this world i don't gotta care about. tell her haters
make me greater, and thanks for the love, sweetie pie! LMAO!" yeah..
in middle school, i think everything was given to me. you had to sit
at the same table, so you had no choice BUT to make friends. and
everything was so organized, so you had to know just about everybody..

but in high school? eh.. nothing is given to you but OSS, ISS, and
detention slips (in/out school suspension). you actually have to make
yourself noticeable... and that's exactly what i am now..
unnoticeable. i can't make friends easily, i'm fucking shy at the
wrong moments, everything is easier said than done, and.. i just fell.
socially, emotionally.. and physically, i lost weight. no, i didn't
barf up before and after meals. and no, i wasn't scared of getting
fat. i just unintentionally ate less. i guess my loneliness took over
for hunger. heh.

ah, back to this dream. the interpretations (thank you,
dreammoods.com):

FRIEND ? : To see friends in your dream, signify aspects of your
personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and
acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are
important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a
friend, indicates positive news.

or ENEMY ? : To see your enemy in your dream, represents opposing
ideas and contradictory attitudes. You are in denial about something
or you are rejecting someone. Enemies may also represent the enemies
within yourself and the inner conflict you have with yourself.
Consider the phrase "I am my own worst enemy." Perhaps you are trying
to rid yourself of certain aspects of your character. ~ To dream that
you are dealing with an enemy, represents a resolution to some inner
conflict or waking life problem.

i was SITTING at a DESK : ~ To dream that you are sitting, indicates
your indecision. You do not know what you want to do about something.
It also suggests that you are idling and wasting your life away. ~ To
see or sit at your desk in your dream, suggests that you are
evaluating and weighing your problems. It is indicative of self-
exploration and discovery. If you are at someone else's desk, then it
symbolizes a lack of confidence in your own abilities.

- i didn't know whether she was a friend or an enemy because she told
me i looked cute then walked off. but this girl didn't like me,
remember? i guess i'll just see if i fit the interpretations anyway..

alright, the friend interpretation..*rereads* AH! SHIT!! "..aspects of
you personality that you have rejected.." dude! i basically just said
that!! how i was the shit in middle school and how i'm a loner now?!
how everything changed?! man.. my dreams are freaky weird.. anyway,
yeah, my friends can help me learn about myself.. it kinda depends on
who you are if i'm talking to. basically, i don't know who i am. i
don't know what i want. i know nothing. i AM nothing.. and positive
news? is there a god?

... or is she the ENEMY trying to play nice? ... looks like they bring
nothing but trouble, to me.. but am i rejecting someone? other than
myself? i mean, yeah, i'm trying to "rid" myself of specific traits of
my lame personality. and oh my fucking gosh.. a problem?! really?! i
thought it just said i was getting good news! or is this my inner
conflict...? eh.. thanks, dream_moods.

what the fuck! this is getting weirder! according to the sitting
interpretation, i don't know what i want. did i NOT just say that i
don't know what i want?! jesus christ.. and oh, thanks AGAIN,
dream_moods. i'm wasting my life away, floating on a big cloud of
nothing. and since when was i "weighing" problems? like i'll just say
"oh! me being unpopular and lonely is bigger than me not having a
boyfriend! but WAIT! i don't have a life either! that must outweigh
EVERYTHING, right?" - NOT. and yes! i'm looking for myself! that's the
main MAIN problem i have other than everything else! wait.. did i just
weigh my problems?? what the fuck! it was right under my nose.. and i
didn't even see it.. *shakes fist in the air* DAMN YOU, DREAMS!

man.. i'm a strange sixteen year old.. but yes indeed, i'm on the road
to self discovery.. i'll let you guys know if i crash or not. heh.

and oh! remember ex B? the senior? i texted him.. i'll admit, i was
thinking about going back out with him again.. i asked if he liked me,
and he said "DUH!" woah. i thought he gave up on me. and can ANYONE
please tell me what "based god" is? i think it's some rap stuff, but i
shouldn't really know, because i don't listen to rap. 'cause
apparently, he IS the based god, the chef (wtf?), and has "bitches and
on dick like babies in diapers." yeah.. that's the worst one i've
heard yet.. and he called me baby. (: well, only once. i was texting
him and i didn't respond for a while because i think i left my phone
upstairs and i was downstairs.. it was just "Baby!" i don't know why i
would get excited over something like that. maybe i'm just looking for
some sort of attention.. blah..

and ah, everybody loved their paintings i gave them for christmas!
they all hanged them up! *teartear* i thought they would throw it away
or keep it somewhere. and oh, if you guys don't know me that well,
i've been painting for like.. ever, ha ha. i don't really remember
when precisely, but i think i'm pretty good. [and you can also ask the
guy who bought one of my paintings for forty bucks. HA.]

so.. i guess i'll clean, eat, see what's playing online since my mom
didn't pay the direct tv bill, carry my little sister to the bed since
she fell asleep on the couch, play with this ipod touch (it's the new
one with a camera!) till i get sleepy, and uh.. yeah.

and maybe.. just maybe, i'll be able to kill all this negativity and
loneliness i have packed inside my soul. i'll be more happier and
brighter in the end, hopefully.. and there's a possibility i might end
up killing myself in the process.. ha.. ha.. funny, right? well, when
that wondrous day comes, i'll be here. waiting. i'll call it... the
kill.


[ The Kill BY: 30 Seconds to Mars ]




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