All that is
Ad 2:
2010-12-17 05:42:45 (UTC)

my new one

I had a dream about ben yesterday night. it was sad, felt so real too. I miss him just
thinking about it. me and my mummy and elemchi had gone to some place in clapham to
play tennis. a tennis court. it was a weekend. we walked in, and as we did, i saw ben. i
don;t think he saw me. i saw him have a conversation with someone, about them going to
the same tennis court in clapham.. then at some point in the game, i had to go some place
else, and i saw ben coming in the same direction as me. he hadnt seen me yet, and i kept
walking towards him until he did. then i kind of stopped and looked at him and smiled
and said hi, then he looked at me and said something sarcastic and unpleasant, in
reference to the fact that i'd ignored him for so many months. and then i said sorry, etc
and then we got talking. he told me that he had a child with a woman he met in
afghanistan, and that the woman wouldnt let him see his child. and then he started to cry,
and i started to cry as well. we were both hugging eachother and crying.. i don't know
what the eff that means. i've been thinking about him though. i always do. and i don't
think he's one of those people that i'll ever stop completely thinking of. i will always be
wistful over the thought of him, wondering how he is... I think out of all the guys i've ever
been involved with, ben was the hardest to get over. ben or alec.

well right now, regarding my man situation.. or lack of.. i dunno. I met a german dude last
thursday. gorgeous. tall, slightly skinnier than i've been with, but cool nevertheless. and
so, it was in that bar el paso, and we were kinda looking at each other during the evening.
there was one installation i liked particularly, and i asked who did it, and it turned out it
was him. and then we got talking, with his friend guy as well, and i invited him to kate's
xmas party, but we never swapped numbers etc, or anyhting like that. but on the
installation, there was a part where you could sign up to receive more information etc. and
when we were talking, i pointed out my email address to him. then the next day, i totally
wasn't expecting it, complete surprise, i received an email from him. and then we got
emailing. long and short of it, he came to kates, we chatted etc, and then we went home. i
emailed him after the next day to say thanks for coming etc, and then he emailed me back
with a song titled 'last night was a disaster..' as a kinda joke. and then some other banter.
but my plight so far has been that i invited him to brixton sessions.. or brix town sessions
o tuesday, and he said he had to go to the cinema to see the movie somewhere. which is
cool, but then he said, generally speaking 'let me know when there REALLY is champagne,
good music and amazonian beauties to be found this week' (a banter we have)...
i don't know, i mean if he wanted to see me, wouldn't he say something like, i dunno,
maybe invite me somewhere? or ask me out for a drink? but then it's odd because i don't
actually think that we've 'admitted' to eachtoehr that we like eachother...(this is if i'm
assuming he likes me, which i am..and hopefully correct...!!) and when he came on
saturday night, it was more like friends etc, there was not much flirtation. did i mention
he's german? i think that has much to do with it too... the germans i think are a special
kind of people when it comes to these matters.. i've heard that they tend to do the whole
let's be friends thing first, then go from there. but you'd think that still, he'd say oh lets go
see this movie or something.. we've had loads of chats about films and music, and he said
he'd send me some of this music... but still nothing. he's an architect so maybe he's a
busy guy... dunno. i'm wondering if i didn't screw it up that night.. i was rather ditzy and
silly and young that night. at some point when we were walking towards the tube station,
he asked me, do you drive? i can't remember anything related leading up to the question,
which can only lead me to believe that he was enquiring about my age somehow. and then
he said 'i thought so...' but half jokingly. dunno man so i emailed him yesterday, hoping to
get a reply today, and nothing. maybe tomorrow? if i don't get one tomorrow i guess its
off. i'm sending nothing else, and then i'll go to bristol and just hope that he responds to
my unavailability, otherwise, i'll invite him to charlie and nick's next house party... arrgh!
dunno. i hate this kinda thing. i'm 21 and still not managed to secure a bfffffff!! i mean
how odd, no?? in my last email (which was in response to his one about let me know when
there really are champagne.... to be found this week....), i said something along the lines
of 'i won't tolerate this your mocking and jeering ... although i did enjoy that song which
you sent... there's beach blanket babylon on friday, (and i promise nothing!) but i also
think that you should suggest something yourself, as i'm already harbouring fears....
So there. i guess i've kinda passed the torch onto him by saying i think he should suggest
something himself.. basically giving him permission, or an opportunity to ask me
somewhere... dunno. if he doesn't take it then i guess he's not as hot for me.. i mean what
the fuck tho? he emailed me first, etc and came across as rather eager. i guess now he
thinks i;m too young?? or what? i get the feeling he's in his 30's. and i get the feeling he
gets the feeling that i'm in my early 20s. dunno how he feels about that. from my
experience tho, they usually don't mind. awwww, i really like him... dunno what i did to
put him off. i could have been more refined perhaps. or, i dunno, more talkative about
things that matter. i guess we'll find out tomorrow. i really hope he emails me, as sad as
that sounds. i mean i haven't liked anyone in ages and i actually quite like him. clearly.

He didn't know what a christmas cracker was, or why they wear those tiny hats on the
dinner table at xmas, and so i had to explain these tiny details. never mind the fact that
he's about 30-something.. i found it endearing. so i plan to bring an xmas cracker with
me the next time i see him, or if we are out in the day, i plan to go and buy one for us,and
then pull it apart together. then i'll say that in my country, the tradition we have is to share
3 different things which we like about the person we are breaking it with, to the rest of the
table. all this is depending on if we ever manage to see each other again, of course.
scarlett's party is tomorrow. maybe that can be a good opportunity to meet. but tonight at
the xmas party for my work, nicole was telling me that german guys are really straight
forward, not like british guys who are very polite. like if they don't like you they will not
bother to reply to an email, or they will just say 'sorry i'm busy, can't make it' which she
said can come across as a bit rude, but at least you know where you stand. and she said
that the fact that he's replying (and making an effort to keep up the banter) means that it's
good so far. which i think might be kinda true, but if i don't hear from him tomorrow, or
the next, then i think that 'straight-forward' rule applies for sure. but if i hear from him,
and its something positive, then i know it's good.

But usually i have a reliable intuition about these things, and i just have a hunch that he's
not gonna reply me... i mean i didn't ask any questions, or say anything that really needed
a response immediately, (which actually could explain why there was no reply today) all i
said was 'there's beach blanket babylon of friday (and i promise nothing!)' and.. 'but i also
think that you should suggest something yourself...' those are the only two things that
may provoke a response and they're not strong enough really. but the test is there,
because they ARE things worth responding to, and if he liked silly little moi, he'd take
advantage of them. so there. if not, then i'll have to do what i always have to do. wallow in
self pity, and then get over it.