YorTruLov

lost but not forgotten
2010-12-14 21:01:01 (UTC)

A Suicidal Teen... A recovering Adolescent

Dr. Seuss was entirely right with his omniscient quote in 'Oh, the
Places You'll Go!': "Unslumping yourself is not easily done"

After our last fight, a nearly three nights ago, I've done nothing but
reflect. Although his kisses were sweet and so home-feeling last night
before heading out the door for work, I still feel that there is a
new evil lurking between us. One of those unspoken barriers in which
allowing one's self to show too much verbal affection will go against
the rules. Not a game, but a constant race to see who will apologize
first.
Of coarse that would be me, it is always me and thinking upon this
fact angers me more than any other hurt or depression. Speaking of
all-knowing, that is my boyfriend in a nutshell. Ten years older than
me and always right in every conversation, every argument, every
fight, anything at all possible, even raising our daughter. I've told
him this for as long as we've started fighting in our five year long
relationship, and he always denies the subconscious battle within
himself that he could ever be proved wrong, or moved from his pillar
in which he stands. He is older, wiser, smarter, and refuses to admit
one time he will ever be wrong. He refuses to admit that he refuses to
be wrong. Never once has he considered that. He is always so sure of
himself that after each time we talk about me and my wrongs [which is
100 to 1 compared to his wrongs being talked about] I dwell and
reflect for days, weeks or months while doubting myself and my
previous and current actions. I improve where he says I need it and
try to remember what he said as motivation to make him like me more.
I can not help in that passed few years but to feel and think that he
no longer likes me for who I am, although still loves me no doubt. I
know I've said it a million times to him but I firmly believe it. He
takes no extra motions to attempt an interest in my skills, talents or
ideas. None at all. Where a truly great couple seeks indefinite
inspiration from each other.
When I try to spark an innovative or inquisitive conversation he
disregards it with his usual 'i don't know' and disregards me. We are
so different in our interests its hard for me to believe we are truly
meant to be. I wonder if there are better people out there that would
make us happier and more content to live beside. I know it is a wrong
thing to think but how can I help it? If the situation that leads me
to think these things was not present than I would not think them.
Yet, given that this is how it is [as always]and nothing else, with
no illusion nor tricks [nor surprises....ever] than it may be more
than a 50% chance that this relationship is just simple, yet
incredibly difficult, not meant to last the length of our lifetimes.
As he admitted one night that he sometimes wonders what it would be
like to be involved with someone of his own age, so do I. When
we fight I sometimes wish I didn't love him so much so I could
experience what a normal 23 year old girl trying to figure herself out
is suppose to experience. As long as I stay in this relationship I
will always wonder that... wrong isn't it? I feel guilt for admitting
that but I know first hand one can not cope with their problems until
they own up to them first. You must first open your eyes and see your
next step to take in order to move forward. Unfortunately, and
painfully....true. I know for a fucking fact he would never EVER admit
he said something so harmful, even if it was while drinking, or while
being drunk. I wont forget where we sat on our porch under the night
sky, drunkenly ranting as usual, smoking a cigarette. Those words
threw me into the worst fit of depression I have had in years since I
met him, I think. Every night I wasn't working I was so drunk I was
obnoxious and uncaring to anyone else.
I spent a lot of energy deliberately trying to ignore him claiming I
had homework or something. I regretfully contacted my life long best
friend and [just-so-happens-to-be] ex - boyfriend very frequently and
even called him to tell him I loved him one time. Terribly drunk and
ragingly depressed, it happened. Not only was I sad I was mostly lonely.

A loneliness I haven't ever felt before and I have felt so many
different kinds. I have endured the loneliness of living without ever
once saying 'happy fathers day, dad, I love you'. I trucked through
the lonely childhood growing up with only a few friends, and mostly
without guidance from my siblings or supervision from my mother. I
shivered through the brisk lonely cold of nearly being raped numerous
times, once even by my cousin... my mother's sister's son. I knew the
loneliness of a broken heart and returned it several times to others.
I knew so much, but this loneliness was different. I had my family, my
job, my friends, my goals and dreams for the near future. But laying
in bed every day as they went on with their lives I couldn't sleep or
I had nightmares. So I stared into oblivion lying in bed, day after
day. I felt rejected, I felt misunderstood and most of all I felt
lonely because he didn't recognize the signs in which I had withdrawn
from him and I doubt he cared either. I was so depressed I thought of
suicide every day. As I had so often and numerously attempted while
growing up. That emotionally numb yet gut wrenching feeling or
realization that some lives would be so much better off without me.
Highly disturbing, I know. They were only thoughts though, invisible
films rolling through my mind. Nothing I would actually apparate into
reality, ever. I love my daughter too much to be that selfish.
Anyway, that feeling of being alone and depressed is creeping back
in like a flood after a storm. All I can do is sit here and watch the
water rise inch by inch and no matter how I try to bucket it out,
nothing makes me feel better. I believe it is because I know,
subconsciously, yet unwillingly to admit out loud that this
relationship will never go anywhere other than this. I cry every time
I see pictures from my friend's beautiful weddings. I know I will never
have one, even though I say to anyone that weddings are overrated,
deep down... I am immensely upset I will never have that experience.
Also, being a mother and in a dedicated relationship at such a young
age of 18 years old I missed out on the years of my life where I learn
by dating from other people who the right person really is for me. I
may never know for sure, without the judgment it is truly hard to
know. He has lived a great, adventurous life. Traveling Europe, living
in Germany sleeping with 27 different women [I am number 28 or 29,
can't remember] meeting hundreds of new people all friended on his
facebook. He has seen the faults in other people and knows what he
expects and wants from them. There fore he is content where he is in
life because he can settle for what it is after the ordeals he has
been in- in the past. I don't know that depth of characterization, not
even in myself.

It is unfortunate. Even though I love him I have to ask myself.. Am I
trapped.


It is even more painful knowing my depression always lasts for months
before budged out of the way, no matter how hard I try - or care to
not try at all. It is painful knowing Christmas is only 11 days away.
However.. there is no other warmth, no other pure happiness than
seeing my daughter, my baby, and holding her and making her squeal and
giggle as I entertain her throughout my days home from work. This is a
love that will never dim nor expire, and never EVER fail to enlighten
me through the dark times. But after I lay her down for sleep at
night, or say goodbye to leave for 14 hours of work, my heart will
sink seven
feet deep and long to see her next. I miss her so much, I literally
hate myself [or the world] for having to work and be away from her. I
love you baby.




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