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2010-12-13 21:06:31 (UTC)

A love letter to me

I broke up with this girl twice. This was after the first time and
this how she won me back.

I had been on drugs and drink for about a week, willing away the
hardships of pushing some one I loved away. I sat in a cafe, coming
down from pills, feeling terribly hung over. My friends were there. I
checked the mail on a mates computer.


i feel hate for you and pretty much never want to see you again while
at the same time, i love and miss you day and night.

i want you to know what i understand, how much this understanding
conflicts me and what empty questions my understanding leaves. i
called you last night but when you never picked up i decided text
would be the best form to lay out thoughts. here is how i'm doing.

whenever i'm left alone in a room everyday, i go through episodes of
wondering if this had worked out better. i start off beating myself up
about what kind of person i was and am to make you, my love, go away.
i hate feeling sorry for myself and know i am not a lowly person.
allow my self-affliction.

i can't help but think that there could've been a less drastic
decision around our dilemma. i would have felt comfortable talking
about possible solutions to the roughs of our relationship because to
never stop trying is something we promised each other. say, you quit
your job and insist i do everything from there. say we make a plan for
me to just live elsewhere and allow space. run off to the bush for as
long or as short as we want. warn me of the phenomena occurring in
your sweet head. ask for some outside help..

but the break up came as a blow to me. it shocked me most because it
meant you were abandoning a dedication you made me promise. i
understand that a certain type of reaction had to be done but suddenly
an action was made entirely on your behalf where i am left to do
nothing but also give up because this is what you want. how do you
think this makes me feel? i look back on the week before sunday
morning and analysed everything you mentioned to me: how you had an
itching to be more carefree like a single person would be, our talk in
the park about where we're at in the relationship, the way you behaved
around me, the advice you were receiving from your admirable friends,
and of course, how we wondered why we argued so often and whether it
was healthy. is there someone else you rather? are we not worth it
anymore? am i not really who you want to be with forever like you
continuously claim? it can't just be that i haven't had a job in a
week because i thought you loved me more than patience.

at every end, i dumbly and unwillingly come to the realisation that
although other solutions and trying harder still exists, i've driven
you to the point that you can't look at me anymore makes me
question everything we once held dear. and no matter what you say now,
they just somehow feel so empty and distant. i'm sorry for how i am
but hate that i have to pay more of the consequences because of
something i can't help. this break-up brings me back to square one. i
feel like i'm going backwards. at first i felt the urge to just go,
anywhere, anywhere but the city that changed me so. somehow i felt
that the forward momentum towards a place that involves anything but
the past will place order in the tumultuous rattling of emotions and
memories that is contained within me. more than anything, if i should
move interstate, it would be to try to forget.

Peter, why did you have to go? you were the only thing i had and i
lost it. the words you told me in saigon was the hand that helped me
take the major step into the beginning of my self-built life. you told
me that if i wanted to be something, i had to be it today so that
tomorrow i'm already there. you may think it's nothing, but they were
the truest words i had ever heard and i fell for you. don't you
realise that it was you that made me become something of my own?
although it was lumbering, you always observed that i was becoming
something more. please acknowledge that this was true. was it just my
pace that you weren't satisfied with? or are there other things other
than the obvious?

the words of others make me question the real reasons as to why you
needed to be single again.

by the way, you tend to exaggerate truths about me to others - in just
about everything you say. in our post-breakup situation i feel the
right to say, "don't." it embarrasses both me and you, as well as
others. why can't you be honest for once? not everything has to be a
melodramatic tale. but anyway.

you once said that maybe this "break" will work out the things between
us. we never even believed in these so-called breaks in relationships.
we never believed that separation of people is the key - and that's
not to say time and space isn't a good thing. last time we spoke you
almost confirmed that we should look at moving on than seeing it as a
break. then you made it clear that there is no space for me in your
life. if you're seeing it as a break then we should see if we actually
want to be with each other again. remember when i told you that you
are my aim? what if getting back together isn't what you desire when
it comes to it? what if, for me, it would take a long time to bring
myself to forgive the hurt you gave me? i don't know because the
dastardly feeling of being cut up is still raw. it would be futile for
one if the other feels totally opposite. then staying for you means i
won't be leaving the people i'm with right now; or giving up on us
means i may as well find a new life with new friends. please be
straight with me about this because this is really where it confuses
me as to what to do with myself next; where to find work, etc. (know
that if you think it's useless seeing us getting back together in the
near future then i really would go out of my way to never run into you
again.) and to be honest, i really don't know what to do. the day you
left me, i had to have you back. so i walked as i thought and wrote up
my thoughts and came to a plan. i told you the plan through a short
story that said everything would be okay so long as you were there to
help me.

in the morning, you left.

so i really don't know what to do anymore.

i am going to blatantly say that i do feel and am worse off than you.
fuck, i'm pretty sure i cried over reading this letter more than you.
money is just money, at least to me. you were my everything. my family
and best friend. you tempted me to let university go, pick up a
paintbrush, make my own life, be a stronger-minded person with courage
and confidence altogether for the first time in my life. you know
nothing of the small, disturbing, depressing person before you met me.

i can only wish you luck in whatever it is you're going to do right
now. figure out whatever it is you need to figure out or whatever. be
the brave man you are and assure yourself that, of course, everything
will be alright in the end. the decision is always yours so be proud
of it and stand tall. i say these words because it might be the last
time i can truly express my love for you.

and yeah, now i want to know what goes on in your mind every night.



Im coming to see you.

I still cry over this letter, because its so fucking sad that it had
to end, and I dont think I'll ever be over Annie. Though I think she
is over me.

Boo hoo.

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