2010-12-13 01:20:02 (UTC)

the end of a borderline relationship

feeling lost, insecure, emotional and damaged. The person that I
have spent the last 5 years catering to has been gone for 2 months
and it has finally ended. The games, the ups and downs, the put
downs, the walking on egg shells, the feeling like everything I do
is wrong. I don't even know what to do with myself. I have spent
so long worrying about what she would say or do or feel about
everything I did that I absolutely can't function. It's a slow
process...letting go.
I am not going to write about how horrible I had it being the non-
borderline. I am going to say that I worry about her every second. I
know that I can't change her or help her but she's out there right
now living a destructive lifestyle to hide her pain, to shut me out.
I tried to get her help. I tried to get her to continue counseling.
I know she has to want help herself.
I know all of this...I really do.
but you see, the love I have for her is so strong and I love her for
who she is even though she makes me feel miserable.
She never believed a word I would say to her. And she lied about
I can't imagine the pain or thoughts that she endured every day.
Assumptions that she would make up and believe were true.
Fighting with me about everything even though I was living in truth.
I am sick of making up excuses though for her.
when do I get mad? when do I get angry with how she treated me?
How she left and never said goodbye to a kid she called her son for
the last 5 of his 6 years.
I have read the sites about Borderline Personality Disorder. it is
my life exactly.
How does one get themselves to a point of letting go, moving on.
Why would I be fighting for her when she made me so miserable?
She's out there sleeping, flirting with other people, texting,
calling, drinking and whatever else might be happening.
she is younger. She wants the freedom to go drinking, do what she
wants without any responsibility of thinking about others.

TOday is the day that I start thinking about my son and me. No more
thinking about her and what she would think or what she's doing or
what is happening with her.
(I say that...but yet I think of her every second. NOT TO MENTION WE
How will I get thru the day at work knowing she is right downstairs.

yes I am seeing the counselor. Yes I will continue. I can't
believe after all of this...I am the one getting counseling.
I have to let her go. I have to move on.
i have to keep telling myself this.