Experienced Life
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2010-12-07 23:24:15 (UTC)

Normal life?? Point of view different??

Had dinner with friends tonight. Not my close friends. Some I just
barely know and one I know pretty well. Dinner was ok. Conversation
was ok too. Some nice topics to talk about but I wonder.....

Has my experience in life hardened me or at least shown me things
where I now see life differently? I try to think of an analogy on this
but nothing comes to mind except for a scene in a movie. The Lord of
the Rings final movie near the end. Frodo is living his peaceful life
back at home yet he had that pain in his shoulder where he got
stabbed. His frame of mind was different too. He mentioned how it's
was hard living a normal life after he experienced what he experienced.

Well, I sort of feel the same way. Dinner and drinks with friends were
normal things that all should enjoy. Yet I go through it with a
strange feeling. Not sad, just a little numb. I dunno, maybe I just
have to give it time or shake this off but I notice it's in me on
multiple events that I do or go to. It always feels a little boring
and I'm not too

When Cutie tries to play her innocent games like playing a little hard
to get or tease, I find that a little boring too. Cutie did nothing
wrong. She is probably doing what she suppose to and not throw herself
at me. Not that she wants to and she is doing the appropriate
man/woman thing that nature expects.

The thing is that I have way too much experience with these little
games. I've been certified by my Ex to deal with these things. So to
play with cutie with this "hard to get" or to make me want her by she
doing little games to me.....Well, I'm not even raising an eyebrow. I
have mastered these games so my cutie is no match for me on this.

So I think about it. Am I now numb from all these events since I
believe I've seen and been through the worse most painful events in my
life? I feel I've been to hell and back twice already. Does this make
me so maritally battle scarred that normal life events don't phase me
anymore? I don't know.....

I know I'm very calm at work now. Whatever problems come up, I think
it's so small compared to the big scheme of things in life. For
example, my boss wants me to attend a mtg with ATT for a big project.
We are talking millions of bucks on this deal for ATT. Did I freak out
or panic? No. All I said to my boss was "what is the address and what
time do I need to be there tomorrow?"

I'm changing. I can see this. My capacity to "not sweat the small
stuff" has really increased. Perhaps I forgot how to live a nice quiet
life like I'm having right now. I'm not sure and I don't know if I
should be doing anything about this. So I just go through the motion
because I have nothing else to do right now..... sigh...