Vanilla

Trying to be Slightly Normal

Truth be, that I can never be normal, because its not in my agenda. I
was never taught the "normal" way. So all I can do is live with it.
Live with the constant pain, live with the fear.

I dont think people understand how fragile I am. How easily I am
hurt...so hurt.

I dont know what it is that I want,
I cant understand how I feel,
All i know is that my feelings are an overload.
I dont know why I feel so much,
I just know that I am empty
I know that there is a constant feeling that something so big is
missing
And nothing fills it up
so all i can do is keep replacing it
maybe its not the right way
but atleast for a while I feel secure, I can feel like it isnt missing
Until I realize it was a lie
But id rather live the lie
then live everyday feeling so sick.
Sick with myself
Sick of these thoughts
and all I want to do is scream, take it all away
Dead myself, Id rather feel nothing then everything

These thoughts, are thoughts I can share with nobody, because how can
I expect them to understand so much when I dont understand it myself.
I feel so pathetic for feeling this way, it sounds like such an
exgeration, but what can I do? It is just the way it is. I wish that
I didnt feel so alone all the time, even when Im with people I feel
so alone. Even when im in a relationship, for a while Im fine,
everythings perfect and then the underlying truth comes out, as the
glossyness disapears and I start getting so scared of being too
close, that im losing everyone else. That this person is now someone
i repulse. I dont want to be with them because the idea of relacement
has gone and now this has to be replaced. Is this how everyone feels?
or just me because its strong.

I should be doing work but I cant concentrate because I just want to
hug M. GAYYYY right. Urghhh. And I cant. Have to resist. Why do
people give you such false hope? I mean im used to it by now, not to
beleive anyone when they say anything. But for a while in M's arms I
feel ok. Everything feels ok I dont feel like im falling. But i guess
every guy im extremely close to makes me feel that way. Coz V does
too. I guess im just needy. Cant help it. I know the problem just
dont know how to get rid of it. How do you replace a dead father that
never gave you love even when you were alive? I know I need to grow
up and stop acting like this. But how? If there was a way I would do
it. I can deal with it and stop it for a while but then it
resurfaces. Its always just there, I just fake it, and sometimes the
fakness feels real, maybe that is real? So here I am lost. I dont
know who I am. I dont know where im going. I dont know how to live. I
dont even fear death anymore because sometimes I feel that if i were
dead it would be ok, suffering would end.

And there goes another mood swing. Now im fine =| ffs. I think I have
bipolar =|