sbermudez

~My Journey~
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2010-12-05 21:03:43 (UTC)

Letter to Mary (aka FUBIT) ( aka MY MOTHER)

I have decided to write to you before I get my ‘letter’ in the mail. I
will not read it because after I am finished writing this I hope you
never cross my mind again.
You know, people ask me if I will feel bad after you die because of
the lack of relationship we have now and I always tell them hell no!
You see, people do not understand what a cold hearted bitch you are.
After not speaking to you for over a year again, I tried to get along
with you at the hospital for the sake of my nephews and my dying
brother. I bit my tongue about many things when we were up there and
the final draw was your desire to be a selfish bitch about Kyle before
he was even gone.
The last words you said to me at the hospital were about how ‘we’ had
the opportunity to have Kyle in our life for years and you did not and
you were determined to have him now.
Are you kidding me? That was the enough for me! I always knew you
were a cold hearted selfish bitch but to think that his children could
just visit their father at your house is insane. They don’t even know
you and I know that no one else would want to come to your house to
visit him. The day Melissa got everything was one of the happiest days
of my life. Kyle was surly looking down on us that day.
I will never forgive you for what you were trying to do to Kyle.
I will never forget the fact that you were not even at the hospital
when your own child was pronounced dead. Instead you were at his house
making sure you would get everything he had left on this earth. I
will never forget the fact that you made sure that Stacy and I did not
get to see him again before they removed the equipment. But, your
scheme didn’t work. We did see him again! We got to kiss him goodbye.
Where were you?
You seem to think that you deserve be awarded for being the best
mother in the world. I know that you popped pills all the time after
moving in with Jim but I don’t understand how your reality can be so
twisted from the truth.
I will start from the beginning now.
When I was a little girl I called my grandma Mom because you were
never there for me.


I was too young to know exactly what you were doing but I heard the
truth as I got older.
You were too fucked up to come home and uncle Ron would have to watch
me (and then Stacy and Kyle) in the morning after working 3rd shift so
that Grandma could go to work.
One of the first memories I have of you being the horrible mother you
are is when I told you that I traded my lunch with someone at school.
You called me a little bitch and told me to get on my bed. And I did
and I stayed there for hours, crying.
Then I would sleep on the couch on Ketchem St and hoped you would come
home before I got up. (That seldom happened.)
I remember Jack being there one day and going out for pizza and he
never came back. It wasn’t long after that I was sleeping on the couch
and the police knocked on our door and asked grandma if she was Mary
Ballard’s mother. She said yes and was told that you were shot and in
the hospital. I kept my head toward the back of the couch and cried so
that no one could hear me.
I am not sure how long you were in the hospital because I was use to
you always being gone anyway.
Then when you were all better you use to set up the ironing board to
steady the camera so that I could take pictures of you in your bra and
underwear for your boyfriend in prison.
What kind of a mother would take her little girl to sit on the lap of
her rapist boyfriend while he was in prison? Then you married him in!
You married someone that raped a child! You always say you did it
because he was going to do something to Stacy and I but yet even
though we moved all the time, we were easy to find. You didn’t marry
him because you feared for us, otherwise you would have moved away
where we couldn’t be found. You married him because that is the type
of man you like. You have a thing for men that rape and molest little
girls!
Then you made me move from Grandma, the person that showed love to me
and raised me for the first 7 years of my life and you made me move in
with your boyfriend that liked to molest me whenever you and he would
get into an argument. I always knew when you two were fighting
downstairs it wouldn’t be long before he would be up in our bedroom
with his hands down my pants. I would pretend I was still sleeping and
open my eyes enough to see him smell his fingers. I can recall the
smell of beer and cigarettes on his breath like it was yesterday.

Kyle waking up was one thing that would make him stop. Are you
telling me that you were that blind that you never knew that he was
getting his jollies from your little girl? You never had a fucking
clue as to why I never spoke more than 2 sentences to him for 11
years? Are you that fucking stupid?
You were jealous of your daughters around him. You were afraid he
would ‘see too much’. Yet you chose to stay with him even though you
couldn’t stand him. You’d get a thrill out of beating his ass after he
was passed out drunk and you would make your little kids go into the
bar after he was gone for weeks to ask him for money for milk. You
call that a good Mother?
From the time I was about 14 years old you would always ask me what I
was going to do when I was 18. You would tell me I had to figure
something out because I had to move out because you would no longer be
getting assistance for me.
You use to talk about me and I would sit on the top of the stairs and
listen to you and asshole talk about how I was on drugs etc. The truth
is, I’ve never done drugs. You are the one that was always popping
pills, sleeping pills, nerve pills .. whatever you could get.
You kicked me out of the house for being on birth control yet you
allowed me to say out until 2am with my boyfriend. You would rather
have your kids gone than have to deal with them and be a mother.
You pulled my hair and physically fought with me in the kitchen
because Jim saw a little tiny bit of my boob when you told me to pull
up my swimsuit top instead of telling me to pull it down. But, the
funny thing is, Jim had felt me up many times before that. Amy and
Stacy saw the fight happen in the kitchen and then you made me leave
with only my swimsuit on. You use to get some kind of a thrill in
making your kids leave with no belongings. I was kicked out for 2
weeks while you and the rest of the kids and your molesting husband
went to Cedar Point. I recall calling you before you left and asking
if I could come along and you said no. I was locked out of the house
and find myself sleeping where ever I could. I am quite sure I never
crossed your mind while you were out having fun.
You’ve told me many times that you wish you wouldn’t have had any of
your kids.
In fact, you have said many times that you were glad when Kyle moved
in with Rob when he was 13 because you no longer have to deal with
him. Well, he is dead now! Now, you will never EVER have to deal with
him again. Aren’t you happy?


If you could have you would have put us in the basement for years and
left us to die just like you did the poor dog. You let that dog stay
down there crying and whining for years and years without any love or
affection. Who would do that to a helpless animal? You could have just
taken him to the animal shelter or given him away but you let him
suffer down in that horrible basement. That dogs life was hell. It
broke my heart and I cried about it for a long time. I was a little
girl and there was nothing I could do about it but you could have
helped him. That is disgusting and you would have been thrown in jail
if anyone would have found out.
Jamie overdosed on aspirin because of you and then lied about telling
me that because she still had to live with you. She knows what the
truth is. Maybe. She’s so fucked up and out of touch with reality that
she may not know what is fact and what isn’t anymore.
You always seem to just love all Jamie’s boyfriends. Yet, anyone the
rest of us would go out with was total shit in your eyes. That must be
because that is the kind of life you lived. You can relate to her
because as you put it.. she has ‘issues’. The apple didn’t fall far
from the tree did it?
As I got older you used me for daycare money. You treated me like shit
unless you were getting money from the state.
I had to get a job as a work study in college so I could do my
homework because you wouldn’t watch them even though you were
collecting the money.
Really, I want to talk about my kids.
Ray, being your first and only grandson for 5 years was okay according
to you, sometimes. You also treated him like shit and the way you
raised your children was carried down to your grandchildren.
What kind of a grandmother kicks her grandchildren? What kind of a
grandmother swears at them and calls them names and tells them they
are no good for anything. YOU!
You have grand kids that you could care less about seeing yet you
think that you are Ms. Wonderful for taking in Taylor.
You have twisted shit so much that you have fucked with his head and
he now has issues.
You took him from me. You have told him things that are not true about
me. You have told him I don’t love him and never wanted him. None of
that is the truth.


I know that as long as you are walking your sorry ass on earth there
will be no mending Taylor and I.
I am mad at myself for allowing you to treat him like shit also.
I tried to get him to come back with me and when I forced it everyone
was miserable. So, I did what everyone wanted and let him go back with
you.
I never should have let that happen.
According to how he feels I did it because I don’t love him and
nothing is farther from the truth. I did it to keep the peace. I have
always been the peace keeper. I have always tried to get you to want
to give a shit about me but I realized when I was about 36 that was
never going to happen.
I was nothing to you unless you could benefit from me.
I gave you everything I had when you go sick. I took care of you so
that you would not have to go into a nursing home. I sat with your ass
at the hospital day and night and missed birthdays and Christmas’s.
I paid your health insurance so that you could be the so called
million dollar woman.
I never should have done any of it. I should have been absent for you
like you have been for me all of my life.
Buying toys and nice things does not equal love.
My other kids don’t even know you but you could care less. When is one
grandchild so much more important than the others? You spoke of how
Grandma didn’t like Kyle. But, look at you.
Cameron was a baby and you told me you didn’t care about him because
he was just a Mexican baby and we all know how you feel about
Mexican’s. That holds true today and it is obvious because of your
lack of a relationship with Addison and Cameron. In fact, you didn’t
like the way Cameron hugged you so you told me that you didn’t want
hugs from him anymore and that was only about a year and a half ago.
He didn’t hug you like you had cooties you heartless bitch, he hugged
you because you are his grandma and your ass looks so frail that he
didn’t want to hurt you.

I never told him you said that. I couldn’t make my child feel like
shit over something you said.
You could care less about Eliana. She will never know you but she will
know about you. She will know what you have done to all of your
children and your other grandchildren and then maybe she will not feel
like she missed out on having a grandma because you were not one anyway.
All of your life you have been all about you. You have taken
everything you can get from others… from stealing video cameras, to
never paying for xmas lights… to fucking up your daughters credit
because you choose to stay in a house you can’t afford. You care less
about what you do to others and only care about the benefit you get
out of it.
I would like to point out that Stacy has done way more then she should
have for you also. If you were any kind of a caring mother you would
have sold that house and moved some place you could afford. But, again
you are a cold hearted bitch that only cares about yourself. You think
that each one of your kids owe you something for being born.
The truth is we never asked to be born to you. If we had the choice we
certainly would not have chosen you.
Stacy is the most giving person I have even known in my life. She is
the only one I will call my sister from now on.
Kari keeps throwing up the ‘half sister’ issue.
In my eyes Jamie and Kari are no longer my sisters at all.
You have given us all a shitty life. Stacy and I are through with you.
Kyle is no longer here but we all know how her felt about you. Jamie
is crazy and you seem to forgive her for whatever she does because you
two are just alike. NUTS!
Kari is following really close to you two but not quite as selfish but
she is caught up in the bull shit and I’d rather not have that in my
life.
I don’t care about you anymore. I don’t care when you die. I and
others will not shed a tear. You have made my life hell and having you
out of my life is the best decision I have ever made for myself.
You are not my mother. In fact I never refer to you as that anymore.
To me you are nothing. Just as you have said many times I am nothing
to you.

I am just sorry it has taken me so long and so many years wasted to
get to this point.
You said you will feel better knowing Kyle is waiting for you in
heaven. But, I am sorry to say you will never have a chance to see him
again. I hope you rot in hell just like you made being your children’s
life hell on earth.
I have never regretted having any of my kids. I’ve never told them I
wish they were never born. I have never told any of them I hate them.
I love all my kids! I love Taylor whether you want to believe that or
not. I am just waiting for the day he will understand who you really
are.
Karma is a bitch and you are getting yours. Maybe you are sick right
now because you are a self centered, uncaring cold hearted bitch. I
believe what comes around goes around and you are living proof.
I have tried all my life to NOT be like you. It is because of my
desire to be different from you that I am a loving caring person to
those that deserve it. I would do anything for the people in my life
that deserve it. I would give up my money, my time and any happiness
in my life to help someone I truly love.
With you, I got to the point that I was sick of you always taking and
never giving. Loving someone is not about what you can get back, it’s
about never expecting anything in return.
All of my kids, if they are living and loving like they should be will
ALWAYS have a place with me no matter where I am, no matter how old
they are or what the circumstances are. Taylor is included and I have
told him that. That is what being a mother is about. It’s not about
how much extra money you will have or whatever else you can get out of
them.
You will never understand what loving someone is about. I thought you
might have changed when you got sick the first time but that was short
lived. As soon as you were feeling a little better you became the
selfish bitch you had always been.
All of my life I have been too skinny, too fat, too stupid, too
drugged up, too much trouble.
I am done with you and I never want to see your face or hear your
voice again.
As far as I am concerned my Mother died a long time ago.


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