2010-12-03 23:57:56 (UTC)

December 3, 2010

It has been a fast 3 1/2 years. And the last month has flew by... but not unscathed.
I had more days where I just wanted to disappear. I wondered who would notice. I
knew people would, otherwise I think I would have given disappearing more
thought. Sadly, I know I am depressed and I know I need someone, but I don't want
to let my guard down too much because I want to be looked at as strong and stable.
However, I sit in bed and want to sleep but can't. I want to call people to talk but
know that they just pretend to listen. I want people to understand this life I am
living but know that they just don't or can't. School has been rough, but I have
done it. Life has been rough but I am still trying to live it. I feel overwhelmed with
stress right now and everyone I talk to seems to be doing something else while I
need ears. Tests are coming up and all I can think about is how nice it would be to
talk to someone about everything. Talk to someone who later thinks about what I
said and make things easier for me... or just show they heard me and were thinking
about me. Matt just doesn't do that. It's hard because I didn't want to marry
someone and then think should I have done that? I look at him and see an amazing
person, but someone who wasn't 100% ready for marriage. He looks at me as his
high school girlfriend. I coordinate dates or get togethers, not him. I go out of my
way to make sure he knows I am thinking about him, not him. My family is about
the same. They call when they want something or think that they should call. No
one goes out of their way. Thanksgiving, I recieved zero calls from my family. I
talked to Ed on AIM and that was it. Forgotten, thats what I feel like. Not important,
thats what I feel like. I know they would all be hurt or think it was horrible if one
day I just ceased to exist, but somedays I think what if I got on a plane and just left.
Told no one and just began to exist as one being in a different place. I know I
would be alone, but this time it would be my choice. I wouldn't worry about people
calling me, because I know I wouldn't have left them a way to get a hold of me. As I
cry, I wonder how many times they have shed tears for me or thought about me. I
also wonder if there are times they feel the same way. Matt honestly I think never
stops to think about that. I think his head is always somewhere else. I feel like I am
a puzzle piece in his life that he knows belongs, but just doesn't fully place me in
his life because it would take up too much room or take from the rest of the puzzle.

I want to be a centerpiece... a gorgeous one that people want to look at and talk
about. One that people notice if its beginning to wilt and gives it the energy it
needs to continue to exist. I want to noticed. I want to be thought about. I want to
be more than just a wife, a daughter or a sister that goes to school in a different
city. I want to be the person they call, the person they want to see, the girl who is

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