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Something old, Something new, Something
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2010-12-03 00:09:10 (UTC)

Introduction

Hi. My name Brielle, and I am a Love-aholic. Since this is the
darkest (hopefully) part of the story let's start here.

His Name was Jason.

I used "was" due to the fact if I picture him dead it makes the whole
he tore my heart out out, stepped on it, put it through a blender
thing a lot easier.

Jason was play by play the "perfect" man. Whatever that means. He
was the boy who when I said I love you made time stand still. There
was not a door that was not opened, a check that was not picked up,
and a kiss goodnight with out the butterflies.

We spent a year together. In that year, it took me less then 3 weeks
to realize I was in love. I remember the first moment I realized I
loved him, I remember the exact moment, the clothes he was wearing,
what was on the tv, and how I was scared that I would never feel as
happy as I was at this moment ever again.

All through college I was on the pre-med track. I am not a "stupid"
girl. I never would put a boy ahead of my goals. But when you love
someone, really really love them, your goals now involve them. So I
changed my major.... to teaching. I was promised a life of never
worrying, a the happily ever after.

4 weeks after returning to school, I went home to surprise visit
Jason.
Not a good idea ladies. If a guy says he doesn't want to see you,
then he genuinely doesn't want to see you. Jason told me to sit down
and then proceeded to tell me he never wanted to get married, have
kids, or anything we had been planning on. He just - changed his
mind. I'll spare you the gruesome details of my hysterical crying,
begging, and waste of mascara....or the time I made a video montage
for him.

2 weeks later... He started dating a total down grade. Pretty big
slap in the face.

I failed to mention. He's 32, and not ready for happily ever after?

This is a very vivid detail of our relationship, I think it's still
hard to write about. however, if you would like me to go into more
detail of our short life together, I will do my best.


Sometimes I feel there is a hole inside of me, an emptyness that at
times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear you
could probably hear the ocean.


Here is what I have learned so far:

--> Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get
married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has "issues" with marriage,
will ... rest assured ... someday be married. It just will never be
with you.

-->It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to
settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less
-- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set
out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because
there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

-->Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and
difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting
back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you
in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities,
and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

I have this dream of being whole. Im not going to sleep each night
wanting, but sometimes when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I
dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just
want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I dont know; maybe ive had
my happiness. I dont want to belive it. So here it begins...


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