Vanilla

Past few months

Obsession level: partially down.

Today, not much has happened, past few weeks ALOT. My thoughts have
slightly changed in regards to the matter of V.

Graduation is a BITCH.

So v came down for graduation, I had it all planned, except NOTHING
went as planned. It all just blew up in my face. I dont really know
where to start. The whole night I was practically avoiding him and by
the end of it finally we were talking laughing, and for a long time
it was the first time I was genuinely not intending anything I was
just enjoying the moment. Then out of nowhere he started shouting at
me telling me I dont understand him, I dont understand anything and
he walked of, except I still remember the expression on his face.
Diana was right behind me and hugged me and I bust out crying.
Embarasment level: Extremely high, because I remember wiggles and D
dragging me out while everyone was crowding around me asking me what
happend and what was wrong. While Im standing there a mess. We got
upstairs and me and V started shouting at each other. I ended up
crying in front of him and then he cried, well had tears in his eyes.
he went home so did I. And everyone was watching. To everyone it
seemed so random I guess. I cried the whole way back like an idiot.
Got home and called him still drunk and we started arguing even more
and he accused me of slapping him. Which never happened. he was soooo
drunk he couldnt even stand up straight. He told me I ruined his
graduation. He came out wityh a few things that hit me hard. Like "
WTF is your problem? is because Imnot your bf?!" Actually V come to
think of it YES IT BLOODY IS!. corse i didnt say that I told him I
didnt even know anymore I didnt even no if i wanted to be his friend
anymore.

I decided not to speak to him for a few days and then he called we
both apoloagised...and talked...except the conversation ended with
him asking me how i felt, and I told him I cant say it..and he was
like "isit because your scared of the consequences?" and I said yes.
Then he asked me out. Yes I was in shock...21st of October.

Ha that ended what a day and a half. I knew he wasnt sure even when
he said it and I knew it was just too good to be true. And yes I was
left feeling numb. Except it didnt hurt anymore. I just couldnt feel
it...I decided to cut him out. The way I easily do with everyone. I
knew it would hurt for a few days but then the pain would pass right?
Wrong. He text me saying sorry etc he didnt want to lose the
friendship bleh bleh bleh. And I guess nor did I. Except that night I
got my phone stolen and my camera and this was just the next day. I
swear I just felt suicidal, it felt like I had lost absolutely
everything in one go. Every single thing that ever mattered to me,
like my whole life had just been taken away from me. As if this was a
sign to just give up, give up on everything. Even ended up crying in
phones 4 you. Cant beleive what a wreck that whole week was. I was
just so emotional. I made up with him and established the fact that
we are just friends, Thats it. And hes such a bastard that even
though he put me through all that he still manages to say "you never
know in the future" V please SHUT THE FUK UP?.

Present...

Decided to change my whole self. I started gym, joined societies,
became the chair of drama. Student rep, and entered a poetry slam. On
top of that Im no longer the emontional, childish idiot...not in
front of anyone anyway. So im glad all of this happened because it
has changed me as a person. I guess it has made me stronger. And
determined that I will not let this go. I love him as a friend I do.
But I cant let him get away with this. My ego is in question. So I
wont give up until I get what I want. Im finally seeing him
today...since graduation was the last time I saw him. I know this
will take longer then I want. Maybe even a few years. And ok know
that i read this im begining to think something is wrong with me?
lol...Im not so obssesd anymore because im losing focus im begining
to not want to bother with this wanting to get him thing, because to
be honest, I dont think I want him anymore. I think I want somthing
else...

Few nights ago we went out to Goldys and the most randomest thing
happened, I was playing my act of "the dark mysterious girl" Yes ive
actually been practising on nights out now... And something happened.
Something that maybe shouldnt have. Something that I could have
controlled. Diana thinks im over exagerating the situation, but she
doesnt understand that Im not her. Im not anyone else im ME. and to
me this is a big deal. I see this guy as a total complete brother and
he started telling me things and its my fault. I used my eyes as
weird as that sounds, but I gave him a look that suggested
something..and we ended up walking of together...ive even lived with
the breh. So its weird...and made me feel akward. He told me he would
change for me, that he likes me etc. And then he started openeing up,
and it stuck by me, because its not like him to say these things, ive
never encountered this, I told him we cant be, this cant be but he
did make me think... We held hands the whole way back, we kinda
hugged for what seemed like ages...and worse part ever...here comes
the confesion I wasnt drunk, tipsy yes....I enjoyed being in his arms
because for those few hours after what seems like forever I felt
happy, I felt ok, I forgot V ever existed. Even if this can never be,
even if it was crazy, even if it meant nothing and it was all BS
drunk talk. It didnt matter because he did what no other guy could
even get close to doing and it was least expected that he could do
something like that for me. Yes it was a shock. Wosrt part I know him
so well...and he says he doesnt remeber a thing from that night and I
said nor do I. But we both know thats a lie. I know he does. I know
him too well. Now im sort of trying to avoid him, yet I want to see
him to see if I would be normal, because I have to be. Ive also
thought about him over the weekend. This is soooo embarasing. And now
im paranoid he might think I like him, think something, this could
alter our friendship. In a way I wish I never did what I did because
nothing can become of this. But in a way it was sort of...nice.

Anyways Ive planned out my attack on V. Well sort of planned. I dont
know what I will be doing. But I kind of need to do
this...anything...something needs to happen between me and him so I
can forget what about between me and M that night.