Experienced Life
2010-11-09 04:17:34 (UTC)

Another quiet night

Just as I expected. Now that the house is quiet and I'm just by myself
again, I can't sleep. So I try to analyze or at least look at what
happened to me this year. I guess 2010 was a banner year for me. Not
that 2008 or 2009 was great but it seems everything finished in 2010.

I'm still here. Still alive. Not sleeping much but oh well. I was just
thinking, It really amazes me what people can endure. So if you're
reading this and you have problems, you can read my diary and maybe
just maybe it will make you feel your problem isn't so bad. I'm not
trying to get any sympathy or anything. I just want to give that
person that feels they are at their end to take a look at mine and see
that if I can make it, so can you.

Just to recall my events to myself, I write it here in this diary.
Lets see, I got divorced. Filed bankruptcy. Foreclosed on my home. Got
my home ransacked by the ex. 15% cut in pay. Had spinal neck surgery
(So I can truly say that the ex is/was a pain in the neck), and God
knows what else but I just can't remember at the moment.

Of course, the lingering events of 2008 where I found out that my now
5 yr old boy isn't biologically mine does pop into my head from
time-to-time. The first was in 2002 when I found out my now 8 yr old
wasn't mine. Yes, I'm a glutten for punishment. Actually, I realized
then as I realize now that it's not the kids fault. They are so truly
innocent and full of love. I just have to return the favor to them.
That's all.

In case readers are curious about the bio-dad. Well, he died a
horrible death. No, I didn't kill him. He really died a slow and
painful death. I think his liver or kidney slowly gave up on him or
something. Oh well, if I didn't believe in Karma before, I became an
avid believer after that.

I'm not looking for any solutions. Just thinking out loud. It's been
just less than 24 hrs that the kids were with me and I miss them
already. I know I shouldn't care and they aren't mine but I love them
and worry that they won't have a stable home because of my unstable
ex. I was the strong one that had the foundation or at least I thought
I did to show the kids the correct path in life.

Now my influences if any will be just on weekends and I will be more
of a "field trip weekend fun Dad" instead of the daily communication I
had with them. This is the only thing I feel bad about.

I guess this does free up my nights and days. I don't take the kids to
school anymore. I will miss that but at least I do get to go to work
earlier. This should help me get the promotion I've been trying for.

Also, I get to hang with my friends that I miss so much. Before this,
I would dedicate all my time to the kids. I only went out at night
with them. Never alone. So I'll make the most out of this shitty

I know I will be saving money again. Maybe I'll rent out one of my
three other bedrooms so I can get some extra $$$$. Money is like
friends, you never can get enough of either. lol

It's too late now to have a glass of wine. I have to get up in an hour
or so. Depends on how early I want to get to work.

Why do i always feel my life is an uphill battle? I hope I can handle
this stress. I actually contemplated something stupid. It was just a
thought in my head that passed quickly but it still was there and I
was thinking it. The "S" word came into thought. Just thought how life
would finally be easier if I just politely bowed out of this
situation. Sigh......

No, I will continue to grow some and man up. Not too many other
choices for me right now anyway. Gonna try to take an hr rest before
getting ready for work. Later Diary.