nmc

lovely_dreams
2010-11-08 19:15:21 (UTC)

Something new

Well I am going to try something new. I have opened this up for
everyone to read. I am wondering if anyone will even read these
entries that I make. Well if no one does then at least I am getting
this off my system without having to explain to everyone else what is
going on. I hate having to explain how am I feeling sometimes. It is
just easier to write it a lot of the times for me. I don't like
feeling so vulnerable and showing that I have weaknesses. Which I do
two major ones, one would be that I trust people way to easily and the
other one is boys and I can't really do anything about that second one
because no matter where i go boys will be everywhere. No matter how
hard i try I know i won't be able to deny boys. I just have to have
them in my life.

If you read my last entry then you know what is going on with Ben. I
don't know what I should do. We are going to be friends, but I let
myself fall. I trusted him and I got hurt in the end. I wanna know why
this keeps happening to me. I don't know if i should continue texting
him and talking to him. Maybe in the future things could change. My
future is always changing. Should I not text me for the next few days
or week? This is when it comes in handy if someone does read this. I
can't really ask my friends here because they just want me to stop
talking to him all together and move on. Which is not as easy as that.
I would rather continue a friendship and see where it could all go. I
don't want to lose what could be a great friend because he was honest
to me and told me the truth in the end. I wanna text him like we did
before, but now i wanna make it so he wonders what I am up too and
make it sound like i am having more fun in my life and that I am not
the same girl that he left. Yeah we never dated so I shouldn't feel
hurt but it is hard not to feel hurt. I was starting to open up and
not to be as shy with him and this is what happens. This is why i am
shy sometimes, it is like a precaution before I show someone who I
truly am.

I don't know if I will ever be able to really learn to trust someone.
I still have feelings for many boys that have been in my past. Like
what I consider my first boyfriend Sean. I trusted him fully with my
heart. In the end he ended up breaking up with me and ruining my life.
Maybe not ruining but he definitely ruined me for awhile. I'm still
not sure if I am over that. Yeah it has been a year but I don't feel
like I am over him, if he came back to me and asked me to date him
then I know I would say yes and take him back. I know it would be
stupid but I just still care for him. Another guy who I still have
feelings for is Joe, yeah he is my dad's friends son and I have known
him for awhile. I thought that my crush on him and when I found out he
felt the same, but I thought it would last but I was wrong it didn't.
Another one that hurt me was Cody from work. Yeah we didn't date and
we only hung out once outside of work, but he got in my head and I got
played. But I still get this feeling that I wanna talk to him and hang
out with him. Which is stupid of me to even think about it. Now this
guy Ben is the most current guy to give me this feeling of emptiness
inside me. I really hate this feeling. I don't know how long it will
last.

I am just wondering what I should do about the whole issue with Ben.
He is leaving tomorrow to go back to San Diego, to go back on duty. He
won't be back until around christmas. I am wondering if I should do an
occasional text message to him, or should i keep up the everyday text
messaging that we do? I know that it will change with him having to go
back onto duty. When he does come back we might hang out, but I don't
know if I should or not? This whole thing is a little confusing for me.




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