Amy

A synthesis of emotion
2010-10-27 20:45:13 (UTC)

Tidal Wave-Owl City (Because I'm not creative enough to come up with my own title rather than that of a song)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPsU7x2tEDY

You don't have to watch it. In fact, I doubt any of you will as music
videos just take up time and whatnot. This song just needed to be
there, is all.

So Basically, those are my feelings. Well, except for the part where
it says "I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope." Sorry,
anyway, this song is basically about depression and how Adam Young got
out of his. My problem is that my depression will lift every once in a
while, but it always goes back down. It's not self esteem issues, it's
not even really ME. I mean, I was never like this. I had support and I
never used to let people get to me.

I'm happy with who I am. Well, content. I love who I am, my
personality, and I know it isn't going to change. So self esteem wise,
I'm pretty self centered and a bit conceited. But that's the way it
is, and I'm great with that.

The reason for my not being happy. Well, I'm not really sure, except
for the fact that I know it's PEOPLE. People affect my mood way too
much. Way more than I ever intended to let them. My motto is that
nobody else's opinion matters. Obviously, I haven't been really
sticking with that motto, now have I? (In case it sounds awfully
conceited, it's what my dad always used to tell me to boost my self
esteem and I always imagine him saying it to me when I think about
it.) See? Usually I wouldn't even say that, except usually for me has
become different than it used to be. If that makes sense.

Sometimes I wish that my happiness didn't depend on other people. I
envy those who have trained their minds to not care, but in my
opinion, I would rather be caring about other people and be helpful to
the world than not caring about anyone and being perfectly happy all
on my own.

In a perfect world? Everyone would be happy. Everyone would care
about each other, but nobody would be hurting because they wouldn't
have problems. Now obviously that isn't going to happen, because it's
just completely unrealistic and the world would die without conflict.
As humans, we are utterly selfish creatures, and we also happen to be
drama-inducers.

Having other people complaining to me overstresses me. A lot. Now see,
stress adds to depression and just amplifies it. However, I don't have
the heart to just tell them to go away. That would just add to my
depression because yes, my conscience doesn't EVER feel like giving me
a break. So really, by helping other people, I am being selfish. I
don't get a good feeling from it when i fail at it, but I know I would
feel worse if I hadn't tried to help. Sometimes I just have to pretend
to not hear or see their words, otherwise I would just be absorbing
too much negative energy.

The way I see it, when negative energy is absorbed, it makes the
person whose negative energy you have absorbed absorb positive energy
from you in return. So you're left with less positive energy and more
negative energy. After a while, it just all builds up and makes you
feel like you're going to explode. So you have to somehow get rid of
the negative energy before you actually DO explode. It's a never
ending cycle. Whoever ends up absorbing your negative energy goes
through the same thing.

I, myself, have the feeling that I've absorbed WAY too much negative
energy. I can only stand absorbing it from those who absorb mine in
return. I feel like my negative energy has built up to the point where
as many people as I give my negative energy to, I still have enough
left over that if I get the teeniest bit more, I will go off the deep
end. I'm gradually getting rid of some of the energy, but it seems as
if for a while, since my dad passed away, there hasn't been that
steady stream of absorption going on. I needed to absorb his positive
energy and give him my negative. Now nobody wants to deal with me, and
I'm stuck here writing this entry because I can't stand to keep it all
bottled up inside anymore.

I swear, I have no idea what to do. I need to get rid of all of this
bad energy before it drives me completely insane. Depression kills,
but it may just put me into a coma or a mental facility. I really
don't want to go into either of those, and I hope somehow I can get
rid of this before I explode.

If you don't buy all of this "negative energy, positive energy" stuff,
and think it's crap, believe me it's not. It feels like the most
accurate way to describe it, and if you still don't believe it, then
just think of it as a metaphor. A metaphor for what, I have no idea,
but yeah. I suppose that's it for now.




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