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2010-10-21 16:05:27 (UTC)

having a bad day...

been feeling a little rubbish the last couple of days, i think my
friend gave me her cold. alots going on with alex at the moment,
because hes not seeing me much anymore he gets annoyed, and when hes
annoyed he gets agreesive which means we end up having arguments and
we both get upset, sometimes i feel like just ending it, but then i
think i can't, hes going through some home problems at the moment and
i know how he'll react, he threatens suicide, says it would be better
if he didn't exist, i don't know why he thinks this cause it upsets
me, makes me cry as soon as he hangs up the phone without saying he
loves me and he'll assume im ending everything..sometimes i don't
understand, different feelings towards him every day. when we argue
over the phone at 11 at night i won't get upset, no not till i know
he can't hear me sobbing, i don't want him to feel guilty when i know
its me, im the one that can change things, he can't do anymore...

today i was in the maths block, standing by this random wall where
the people there couldn't see me, they didn't notice me and then i
heard one of them say my name, saying apparently i told someone i'd
had sex, that im was just some dirty tart that drops her pants for
anyone, that im bisexual and that i act like a freak..being so quiet
and all..it hurt that they can asume that, that some of those peopple
were the people i talked to, my 'friends'..you can't win in this
world..people will pressure you into having sex, tell you your doing
it because you love the person your with, then behind your back their
say your just another teenage slut who sleeps around..it was one
person, my boyfriend so what if i regret it, it was still just the
one person....my periods late again, probably nothing but last time i
had sex was 25th september..i think i get paranoid about it to be
honest..oh well i'll talk again soon maybe.. x