nin137

The Way-Hating Is The Hardest Part

i tried to write this title in the same manner that tom petty sings
it. i just passed out. i'm not joking. i am not exaggerating. i
just passed out. it was the weirdest fucking thing. i am having more
and more anxiety attacks as of late. i even went to a doctor about
this. he gave me some bullshit pills that made me feel like i was
drunk. i hate them and i refuse to take them. they make me feel
sick, disoriented and god knows what. so how did this pass out
happen?

i'm sitting in my chair. and my mind is just racing a million miles a
minute. i don't even know how it started. i just started thinking
and thinking and worrying and worrying. i don't have a job. i still
haven't heard back from my dream job and oh man and oh god and oh
gosh. and the next thing i know my breath is going a million miles a
minute. i'm shaking. literally shaking. and then all of a sudden my
chest starts tingling. the tingling goes down my sternum and down my
spine. then the next few seconds i can't really remember. but i just
remember the shaking the tingling the gasping and then i'm gone. i
couldn't have been out for more than a second or three. i don't know
but all of a sudden i'm on the ground off the chair. i think i hit my
head. jesus christ.

needless to say i'm a mess. it's been two weeks since i nailed my
interview with the recruiter. the background. 3 weeks ago i'm
contacted by a legal recruiter for an in-house counsel position.
dream job. finally get my interview with the recruiter and she loved
me. gonna pass me along to the general counsel. it's now been two
weeks. the recruiter still hasn't heard from the general counsel.
apparently the GC is "in no rush" to hire someone. i am fuckign
dying. i've put off taking on new clients for my firm because under
the rules of professional conduct i can't do it unless i can commit.
it wouldn't be right. but there's only so long i can hold out. but
how long is too long to wait for a dream job?

funny thing is this has sort of been like the 7 stages or whatever of
grief. first there was euphoria. irrational euphoria/exuberance.
YES! of coruse i was going to get this job, oh man it woudl change my
life oh boy! i finally got an interview after a fucking year of
bustin my ass! things were happening.

then came the "come down" the rational look. okay, this was just one
step along the way, i don't have anything yet. just take it easy.
you've got a chance but you don't have anything in hand yet. that was
the first week after the interview with the recruiter.

then after teh second week i started getting resignation. what was i
thinking? of course i wasn't going to get this job. how could i even
get my hopes up like this? stupid stupid stupid.

now is despair. what am i going to do? how much longer should i
wait? and how badly will i feel when i don't get it? i am now pretty
sure i won't get this job. isn't that a horible turn of events? it's
not like anything has even happened to make me think that. it's not
like i've been rejected at all, it's just that the GC is taking her
sweet time.

i don't know. man i just don't know. all i know is that i really
can't go on like this. i feel all these horrible anxiety feelings and
i really feel fucking horrible. the irony if you can even believe
this is that i really and truly feel happy and optimistic. i feel and
believe that things will get better. that things will go up.

plus i really feel lucky. you have no idea how humbling it is to be
in my state. money and power gets to everybody. you think you're
better than you really are. but when you are at a low point when you
are scraping by you realize what you're made of. despite my anxiety
attacks i'm still working my butt off. even though i have little to
show for it.

but it's times like this when you realize what matters. i am so lucky
to have a loving wife who is with me through thick and thing. at
least i'm not alone. at least i have my dog who literally sits by my
side and allows me to soothe my anxiety by running my hands through
his soft fur. i hope that i never forget how lucky i am, even at
these worst of times.