kiddo16

NaivetY & ChildhooD LefT BehinD
2010-10-17 11:35:14 (UTC)

On my birthday ~

Dear Diary,

Somehow after today... after being officially 23 years old this year,
I got this fantasy going on in the mind. I gotta say this else, I'll
feel miserable.
As expected, during my birthday.. Nothing special had happened. I was
expecting someone special to appear in front of me with a bouquet of
flowers in his hands, wishing me a happy birthday. Telling me how
thankful he was to God that someone like me existed and become
present in this world 23 years ago. But as expected, none of that
happen. Instead, it was the same old thing where I spent the day with
my family members. Well, this year could be a little different
because each and every member of my family was there, celebrating my
birthday. This was pretty different from a year ago.. In fact, as
compared to the past 23 years of my life.
But even so, for others.. to have their family members spending their
birthday each year is a norm.. well for me, it's a surprise this
year. So maybe that is why.. I always get things other people should
already have gotten long ago, late. Which comes back to my point on
my fantasy.
Today as I lay in bed.. despite it being my birthday.. there were no
one to spend my birthday with. Instead I spent the day fantasizing
what could have happen if fate has allowed me to have that special
someone appear right in front of me, holding a bouquet of flowers,
wishing me a happy birthday. As soon as that kind of dream came by, I
found myself in another dream where it puts me to what could have
happen after the previous dream were to come true.
I was brought into this house. It wasn't that spacious but it was
enough for 2 people. It seems like a blind date and so both of us
started talking. While we talked, we found out that we had a lot of
similarities in that, we wished that that special someone could just
appear in front of us already. Talking in details.. we found out that
we are bugged by the same problem and that is, our family have been
harping on us on when to get married. Because we haven't found the
right one and as much as we wanted to, no one could understand us.
But because we understand each other, there came out a crazy idea to
just put up a show for everyone in the family. And that is, to get
ourselves married.
Of course, soon we were discussing on how we really wanted to wait
for that special someone to appear and therefore, the emphasis was
all this that gonna happen is just a show. We discussed on our
strategy and first up was to meet up with each other's parents and
pretend we have known each other for long and now, wants to get
married.
So off we went off with our strategy and luckily the presence of the
other party in front of the parents was only a sigh of relief for
them. There were no questions asked and so they gave us the approval.
Soon after, we started planning on a grand wedding so as to give the
impression to everyone that whatever we are doing is true. Coz each
of us holds a different culture, we decide on doing his cultural
wedding on Friday. A wedding reception at the hotel on Saturday. And
my cultural wedding on Sunday. It is decided that we are in-charge of
our own cultural wedding and to prepare accordingly.
Because his cultural wedding don't need much preparation as compared
to the hotel wedding reception, it was done within a day whereby, red
invitation cards were prepared inviting only his closed ones and of
course, my own family members. Simply love his cultural wedding dress
that he have chosen for me. All went well smoothly with the day
started off with him blasting his car horns indicating that he's here
to bring me to his place and proceed with his cultural wedding. It
was simply so real and we ourselves are good actors that no one
thought that all this was a show.
The next day, again.. for the hotel wedding reception, he was in-
charge. He chose 3 sets of wedding dress for the day and it really
felt as though I was some princess from a faraway land, brought into
the hotel wedding reception. At that point of time, all I could say
is that I enjoyed the day so much that I forgot all this was not
real. We danced to the slow music in the presence of our friends and
family.. We ate, toast our drinks and made a speech to thank everyone
that was there. Of course, a lot of those attending envied us for the
kind of 'love' we are showing each other. But it was again really, on
our part, we are treating each other like friends that all of the
events, we would carried out in the best manner possible.
So finally, the next day.. it was my turn to be in-charge. Could
really see that he was damn lost on what to be done. It was partly my
fault that I didn't brief much on my culture but oh well, I held him
firmly in his hands and walked through the whole event with calmness.
He was always looking at me for guidance and for that, I was happy
coz finally there was someone that believe in me and wants to rely on
me. So again, the Sunday event was a success.
That night, for the second time, I went home to his place and opened
up all the gifts. Among the gifts were tickets for a honeymoon in
Europe. Estatic and being a person who never travelled out, I plead
him to use these tickets. Weirdly, he was smiling that 'smile',
agreeing to me. Soon we were telling our friends and family that we
are going to take a 1-week leave from our country to get to Europe.
Being a first time for me, I called up his parents to asked for their
consent to let us go to Europe and of course, from my own family.
Asked them if they need anything else and soon, we are packing our
stuff. He helped me much on what to pack and I could only do my part
to clean up his house before we go for our honeymoon.In 2 hours time,
was our flight time. Without even giving ourselves a rest, we head
straight to the airport.
Soon after we found ourselves in the plane. Despite being very tired,
I was nervous as that was the first time for me to take a plane. It
must have been written all over my face to which, he suddenly reached
out to hold my hands. I was touched by his gesture because even
though, we are not even 'husband and wife', he took care of me like
how a husband would be.
The plane took off and I found myself holding tight to him. Soon
after, I fell asleep.. only to find out 12 hours later that my head
was on his shoulders. Of course, it was a little embarrassing when
he's not even my special someone that I'm entitled to put my head on
his shoulders. But he don't seem to mind and instead, give me
that 'smile'.
For the first few days, we roam the city.. embracing the different
kind of feel of the city. It was really a dream come true for me to
visit another country. For a few nights, we spent our time in
separate rooms but on the last night, it happened. I wasn't feeling
too well and just stayed in my room for the whole day.
I guess he must have been worried that he visited my room to find out
how I was. Never in my life, I was taken care of in such a way.. with
so much tenderness and concern. Feeling that way, soon I found myself
to be much better. Especially so, because he was there the whole day
and night in my room, accompanying me.
And then, that was it.. It seems whatever that have started so fast,
just prefers to end so fast. We came back to our country and got back
to our old lives. Nothing has changed except that I was now living in
his house.
Despite the fakeness in our marriage, I tried to do things like as
though it was real. Such things like I'm in-charge of the housework,
to pull out his coat when he got back from work, to cook for him, to
prepare his drink when he retreat to his study. It was damn tiring at
first to juggle between my career and household but I know I was
happy.
But one day... like how all dreams should end. I came back home to
find him with another lady in the house. Remembering on our promise
to each other before marriage, we would allow our partners to
continue look for that special someone. And I guess this must be his
effort to find one. I introduced to the other party that I was only
the cleaner in that house and would leave once I complete my tasks.
She questioned my attire which doesn't look anything like a cleaner
but a professional. But I defended myself that it's the new trend to
wear in such attire when cleaning.
Again, from where I was, I could see that 'smile' on him, as though
he appreciate my effort. I cleaned up the place, cook for him, make
his drink and off I went out of the place. Then, from there I decided
to visit his family and then, it was revealed that he had brought the
other women to visit his family. His family looked extremely confused
by the situation but I handled it effectively by telling them that
I'm gonna talk to him. It must have been written all over my face coz
soon his family members were feeling angry for me. But I assured them
that I was okay and this things might only be temporary. But really,
I already knew that it was time for me to leave him.. The fun time
was over.
I texted him to find out whether she's still over at his house and
got back a reply that she's no longer there. I went up to his house
and rushed into my room to packed my things. The tears are welling
but I tried to keep it all in. Keep telling myself that this was all
supposed to end like this.. An act! Soon after, I went out of the
room to ensure his house is in order but only to find out that he was
in the phone with the other women. Gestured to him that I'm leaving
his house and soon, he put down his phone.
He insists on me to stay put in his house while he will be the one to
move out. But no, I tried to talk terms with him that if I never
leave his place, it will really be like I would never leave him. So
that was it... He pulled out his hands, indicating for a handshake. I
took his hands and could only hear his saying how thankful he was to
me for putting up a good show to his family. Of course, I thanked him
for playing his part very well for my family and wished him all the
best with his special one.
He thanked once again for my understanding and soon, we hugged. I
wished time would stop but it never. Soon I let go of his warmness
and went out of the house in the coldness... Since then, I never
heard from him. Even though I still do keep in touch with his family
but I never got the courage to talk to him.
So yea, that was how my dream ended. I woke up in tears and could
really feel that it was all so true. Is that how my life gonna be
like? It was all sad and depressed throughout my life.. And I guess,
for relationships.. it's gonna be the same way. But again, really..
if for only a brief moment that I could feel myself being special to
someone and having to find my own special one without even him
needing to find me special, I would be at a bliss. But I guess it
could never happen eh?? It has been 23 years of my life walking on
this Earth being so lonely and I guess, it'll only be a miracle to
ever find that little kind of happiness. Haiz! So enjoy my fantasy..
It's a short-lived fantasy but how I wished something of this little
could at least happen to me in real life... I wish I wish upon a star
that God would grant me this wish to find my special someone who
would treat me right and I would treat him right on my birthday,
today!!! *blow candles*




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