Lovely

lovely
2010-10-15 22:51:04 (UTC)

Please someone just tell me what i should do

Last year when I went to school it wasn't the easiest year for me but
one thing I know is that I most definitely felt safe like secure
there. I rarely had anything to worry about when there. But my
problem was I felt a totally different way when I was at home, I do
still feel that way but there isnt anything that I could do. I hate
the fact that this is a new school year and I absolutely HATE that I
dont feel anything like I did. I feel scared and like something is
going to happen to me. Im not being paranoid and I know it sounds
like I am but Im just really stressed. I didnt well I was never
feeling stressed out well at least not while in school. But when Im
at home Im always stressed out. My family well I feel like they blame
me for a lot of things. When my abuser isnt around somethings
automatically my fault. Well, even when he was it was still my fault.
It was never his. I realize that in school I am also stressed and I
know that I cant be stressed in two environments. I can never be
happy without someone ruining it for me. I just feel like everything
I had that was somewhat valuable to me has been ripped away from me.
Some kids ask why I wear make up and stuff and I tell them because I
like it. But its really because I don't feel pretty enough. I dont
feel as pretty and pure and clean as the other girls surrounded by me
are. I mean I was molested and raped multiple times by my own cousin
and Im only 13 years old. To me thats a major disgrace and at church
its even worse. I don't like not being a virgin because it was taken
from me. I feel like my old spanish teacher somewhat judges me for
it. Like she thinks Im some sort of slut. I never say that to her but
I feel that way inside. Thats one thing I never tell her. I think my
current temporary school counselor knows why I have trust issues even
though I never told her there is just a feeling of knowledge. Like an
instinct or intuition. I don't want to come out and tell her because
I know she is going to tell on me and she sometimes has a really bad
attitude so I think she will sort of use that against me or
something.




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