tres_mortel

Who tha hell names their diary??
2010-10-12 14:05:48 (UTC)

Half of my heart

I don't even know where to begin. I almost need 3
seperate entries to cover everything that's happened this
weekend. I'll try to not leave anything out but still keep
it at a reasonable length.
So, surprise!!! I did a turnaround at work & switched
shifts with the desk clerk so I could drive up to see
Cameron a day early. I was supposed to work Wednesday
night & then drive out Thursday morning but instead I
worked Wed morning & then left out after work. I made it
all the way to Little Rock before he figured it out, lol.
I was hoping to pull up in his driveway & scare him half to
death.
Driving up there, I was really nervous about how I
would feel when I saw him again. Would it be awkward?
Would I still feel the same about him? But as soon as I
saw him I forgot all of it. Just to have him hold me
again, there was no unsurity or awkwardness about
that. I flat out loved this man, there was no other
explaination for it. Our long-time friendship had
blossomed into something real & wonderful.
I refused to say anything more than "I loke you," to
him though. I didn't want to rush things; we've only been
dating a few weeks. But that Wednesday night when I got
there, he said to me the words I had been thinking all
along while we were making love. He whispered to me that
he loved me, then laughed & asked if I was mad. He wanted
to tell me before he left in case he never got the
opportunity to again. I laughed because I wanted to cry.
I felt the same way about him. Even though I didn't want
to rush things, or think about the possibility of him not
returning, I couldn't overlook the gravity of the situation
anymore. I needed to enjoy every minute of the weekend
with him & try to tell him exactly how I felt in case
I never got the chance to again.
He took me out for a romantic dinner & I wore a
dress. Yes, me in a dress, the world will come to an end
now. Unfortunately I grabbed an old pair of heels in the
packing process & they didn't fit. So he took me to the
mall & bought me a new pair of heels & a skirt to wear to a
dinner with the Mayor on Saturday night that ended up being
a tad awkward since the military all but married us off
when they pulled him up on stage with his "spouse"
announcing his deployment on Monday. Lol, I just played
along with it. Didn't really matter, & hopefully one day
that will actually be the case.
The airshow at the base was awesome, though incredibly
hot. More than the little stunts & shows the pilots &
jumpers were putting on, I liked being able to see
what Cameron does & have him explain stuff to me & point
things out. I love hearing him talk about his job & I love
learning more about it. I think he likes teaching &
talking to someone about it to, at least I hope he does
because he has to do it enough especially with all the
questions I ask, lol.
Church was a tad awkward as well, & one of the
shortest sermons I'd ever been to. There was an older
woman there that liked him & was determined to marry him
off to a girl that went to that church that he had been
friends with for a while. At first I was afraid that I
might be standing in the way, but he has assured me they
are just friends & nothing more & I really like her. She
had told the older woman that me & him were getting married
so she would stop trying to fix them up. So the woman came
over talking to me about it & yet again I had the whole
marrying/married to thing brought up again. God has a
strange sense of humor.
4am Monday morning, I was carrying Cameron's
electronics bag & we were on base walking through the doors
of the building they were gathering in. I stayed glued to
his side through the loading of his bags & everything else
until I finally walked him to the steps of his bus about
5:30. I kissed him goodbye, begged him to please come back
to me & reassured him that I would be there waiting for him
when he got back off that bus in January, & then turned to
quickly go. I made it to the parking lot before bursting
into tears. I had to sit in my car for a few minutes
before I was finally able to drive back to his place. But
walking into his empty house had me bursting into tears
again.
He msgd & called me as often as he could during plane
changes & refuelings in the states & I consoled myself some
by cleaning his house really good for him so he came home
to a nice place & didn't have to do anything when he got
back. But having to shut his house down & walk away was
almost as hard as putting him on the bus. Was almost like
I was leaving what little I had left of him.
I had planned on getting on the road about 10am, but
ended up not being able to bring myself to leave until
about 2:30pm. He called me the last time yesterday early
evening from the airport in Maine before his plane
left for overseas while I was driving home. I pulled over
into a gas station for a little bit to talk to him but then
had to get back on the road because it was getting late. I
was stopped in traffic when his last call came before the
plane took off & he lost reception. I tried so hard to not
let him hear how badly I was crying. The last thing I
wanted was to upset him or, God forbid, have HIM worry about
ME.
I sent him an email as soon as I got home & have been
checking my inbox & phone ever since. It's going to take a
while before I'm able to stop obsessing over hearing from
him. My goal is to make him 2nd on my mind. If he's 1st
on my mind, I'll drive myself crazy, but if he's less than
2nd I'll feel like I'm drifting away from him. I haven't
taken his necklace off since he left except to take a
shower & I ended up coming home w/2 of his shirts & a
jacket that ended up piled in bed with me last night,
especially since I took the liberty of spraying 1 w/his
cologne so it smells like him. I should've just taken the
whole bottle, lol. It's just that I know the smell won't
last for 4mnths.
My interview for the Housekeeping Supervisor postion's
tom & I'm going to try to drive down to Cleburne to watch
his daughter's dance practice after Joseph brings Rayne
home today. So if I fill my life with activities & use
this time to get connected to his kids, his friends, & his
ex-wife that he's still good friends with, I'm hoping the
days will pass more quickly. I'm tearing up even now as
I'm typing this at work, but no matter what happens I don't
regret any of it & I'm so very proud of him. I love you,
Sweetie & I'm praying for you. Come back to me.




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