xxjadeyxx

hurt
2010-10-11 15:29:33 (UTC)

long time, no speak...

well i haven't really updated this in a while, suppose cause i don't
think anyone reads this shit lol okay well recently a few things are
changing. school isn't too bad anymore, but im not overly close to
anyone at all...last tuesday in english me and laura had to do a
presentation in front of the class, i'd come into the lesson about
half an hour late (it was my first lesson) and it was just before my
presentation so i didn't really know what i was doing and had to read
off this card i wrote out quickly, not many people know but i suffer
from stage fright, and because i knew i was gonna make an idiot in
front of everyone i just freaked out a little so just before we went
up i started crying a little, then it got a big worse and i was
shaking badly which just made me look like a retard, my teacher
stopped us half way through and told me to go outside where i just
went straight into the toilets and locked myself in a cubicle and
started sobbing a bit loudly, teacher called into and told me to come
out, i did and he took me into the english office while everyone was
watching another presentation, and i just backed myself into a corner
still crying then when he started talking i just suddenly felt like
my heart was gonna explode out of my chest and i was gasping for air,
i couldn't stop myself no matter how hard i tried because he didn't
know what to do and then i went really light headed and had to sit
down once i went back into the classroom, i felt everyone staring at
me, thinking im a freak or just wondering why on earth i got into
such a state over nothing, but to me its not just nothing its just
something i can't overcome.

a similar thing happened again on thursday night, my mum was at work
and me and my step dad got into this massive fight, i can't even
remember what it was about but i walked off and went upstairs and he
started coming after we and i started feeling my chest getting
tighter and suddenly gasping for air like before, he back off and i
had to sit down behind my door in my room, can't remember what
happened then but i'd fallen asleep on my floor.

in other news i got my first A. in history so quite happy about that,
but when i start trying harder at school alex isn't really trying and
i rung him at lunch and he'd snuck out of school to the corner shop
with a couple of friends :/ i know he can do better than that but its
worrying me, i know the friends he hang out with smoke, do drugs and
drink. i just really don't want him to go down any of those lanes but
right now im just waiting for it to happen..

i don't really talk to anyone at stanborough much anymore, obviously
alex, and sometimes martin, who at the moment is keeping me sane
cause i tell him pretty much everything and i just find it really
does help, but its weird cause hes not really showing that i must me
annoying him yet lol everyone gets fed up when i tell them too much
cause its like im attention seeking. anyways but to the point, i
don't really talk to anyone else and when i do they seem to have
changed..alot and its kinda scary, like im growing up too fast,
everyone is, and when people grow up they change, i changed and i
wish i didn't, i wish i could of stayed being a little girl, trapped
in the same space of time and enjoying being a child who doesn't want
to grow up..because she knew what would happen and how things change..




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