bird

The Birdhouse
2010-10-10 16:05:56 (UTC)

10.10.10

10.10.10


The urges to hurt myself are getting stronger and stronger as time
goes on. I thought by now they would be fading like an unwelcome
visitor should, but as it turns out, this is not the case. I just
stuck my fingers in a cup of freshly brewed coffee. These last few
days have been overwhelming, and my anti-depressants aren't helping.
On top of that, there have been some words that have hurt me, all of
which have something to do with who I am. Those are the reasons why I
haven't been feeling well.

Honestly? I don't make it my intention to harm my mom, but rather
myself as an escape from her. Maybe that's wrong to say, but it's how
I feel, what I think: the purpose of a diary.

I never feel like I belong. I'm always the cause of trouble and
drama, and who I am is not good enough for my Mom. Ever since I
overheard my mom's phone conversation about the reasons why my Daddy
may have killed himself, I've got the sense that he didn't want me. My
attitudes have changed towards his soul, and the idea that I wasn't
good enough for him plays over and over in my mind when I think about
wanting to be loved. You see, Mom always told me that Daddy wanted a
baby girl, and thus I was created. But I was six weeks old when Daddy
pulled the trigger. I suppose I wasn't that baby girl, I wasn't who he
wanted.

Mom has been showing me the same messages lately, even since I told
her about my sexuality. But more on the topic later. I have to go
finish the coffee I just stuck my fingers in.




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