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2010-10-09 03:28:51 (UTC)

life's complications

its been a while since ive written last. I have been working at iowa
hospice and by and so far i like it. part of me thinks my boss
doesnt like me and i still get a bad feeling about my co-workers. I
really hope that they give me a chance and things go well because i
have decided that if this doesnt work out, i just will resign my
nursing career.

a couple months ago we bought a house and are planning to move,
since then we have been demolishing the outside of our house now
since the plan is to tear down the house. its been really depressing
to go home because the place is a real dump.

jake and i tried to get prego last month and it was unsuccessful. i
think we will try again this month but we shall see what happens. i
am not sure if i want to try since its kinda a paina and not fun
unless it is natural.

we started harvest and my mother in law is doing her best to not let
me in on anything. she is making me mad and i need to blow off
steam. i vented to leah and that seemed to help.

grandma j is in the hospital...again:( looks like this could be the
end of her battle. she's tired and wants to let go. you would think
this sounds easy but she is the nicest and coolest grandma ever. i
will miss her. a lot. I am accepting of it but my eyes still swell
with tears, i then take a deep breath, tell myself that I don't want
her to suffer. I sure hope that when she goes to heaven she will be
fighting in my corner and look out for jake, me, and our family. I
pray that her, eric, and ernest will keep us safe and smile down on
us. I hope that we get our chance to say goodbye. especially george.
I hope he can say good-bye to his mom.

im on day 5/6 without smoking and i am fat and hating myself. but
since grandma j is in the hospital i want to smoke and cry. i have
no friends. no one to talk to. my family lives far away and
everything i know is not here. i am here for life and all i want to
do is run. jake is the love of my life but i still hate where i am
living and we cant move. i hope god shows me my plan. i really need
to work on my legacy. what will people say about me after i die.
part of me think " loner" "fat" and "forgetable" .

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