All that is
Ad 2:
2010-10-05 23:45:32 (UTC)


still sucks. thought all would improve by now, after what i thought
was the horror of manna ash. but believe it or not, i actually miss
manna ash, the security, my kichen, hemal, amy, and even danny
friggin lowe! but again and again, it's being suggested that i'm the
one with the problem. exactly what this problem is, i haven't quite
understood. i can feel it, and sometimes may even be able to point
it out but i really cannot get it. it's annoying really. so i'm in
the flat ive been lookin forward to staying in for a few weeks now
and i can't believe i'm actaully living there. i haven't quite
landed yet. i thought it'd make me happy. i thought he'd make me
happy. but this evening i have a feeling i may have made my
intentions unwelcomingly obvious, caus as soon as j walked in the
kitchen and they started chatting, he brought up this thing about a
girl who he's had a crush on for ages, etc, and he thought he was
over it but he's not. i mean maybe it wasnt in any way intended as a
hint for me to pick up, but it was perfet timing for that. i don't
know. like whatever, he's a pk anyway, a good looking one too, but
whatever. still its depressing though. i don't know. the fact that
they're all chummy with eachother, and i don;t know where or how i'd
fit in. i see now that my 'dislike' towards girls, or actually big
groups of people, is the gossip factor. that i'd do something which
they found odd, and they'd start talking about it to one antoher,
analysin the new girl. i never used to be like that, and usually i
didn;t care. but now i've become ever so paranoid about it. i just
got back up from where i was knelt down a few minutes ago, with my
ears pressed to the wall on the inside of my wardrobe, in a (vain)
attempt to catch something being said about me between j and him. i
have a feeling this stems my school days with the friendships i had
disintegrating due to unprovoked gossip etc. dunno. i dunno what to
do. feels like i still haven't found my social niche in london ..or
the world? i have mainly guy mates, and they don't really know
eachother. what i want is a big group, and nice network of friends
who all knw of eachother. even with kate, i still get this feeling
of insincerity at times, which i brush off when i do, but bottom
line is that I have it, and its there. not to say that i don't have
my good times with her and fellow kitty, but they're not people i'd
call my friends in the true sense of the word. which is sad. and
then there's jack. lovely jack. he's a true friend of course no
doubt, but sometimes i wonder if our personal (and rather similar)
social circumstances haven't pulled us together. aren't we in a way
like eachother's crutch? like two social casualties if u may.. i
find myself easily annoyed by him sometimes, and i knw it's cos of
his painful social awkwardness, and his hesitant personality, his
lack of willingness to take initiative etc, and i tell him all of
this. but i also wonder if I do it because I also because i resent
the fact that in many ways, if I didnt have him, i wouldn't have
anyone at all. the fact that at my 'birthday do' he was the only one
who stayed with me the whole way when i was blindingly drunk, and
clearly couldnt be trusted to carry myself home in one piece, (kate
and friends had made their excuses and left when they realised i was
going from bad to worse, fast) reuben and ni walked far ahead,
eventually loosing jack and I. that he was the only one who stayed
with me and took me home, was both disheartening and touching at the
same time.

So the dream of the perfect flat life has been broken, - i don't
really talk much to j, or t - and even conversation with v this
evening was a tad awkward at times - and the three of them seem to
get on great. they've all known eachother a yr previous. obv v gets
an easy ride, as the sole male in any group of girls usually do, and
being the new girl, i think it'll be harder to get onto their pack.
though it doesnt really seem like they wanna get to know me that
much. j's always at work, t's always uni/working... dunno. i
suggested we all go for a meal sometime, and j just sorta
went 'yea...'. like I don't want to sound all school girly as i'd
like to think i've matured since then, but i was in the kitchen the
other day hoping for v to walk in and have a chat and nothing
happend so i packed up my stuff and went back to my room. then
20mins later, i walk back in there and the three of them are in
there having a lovely little laugh and some whisky etc. it feels
silly to say, but i felt slightly crushed. i don't know how to go
about it. its almost as if i've lost all my social skills.

v said today in a conversation we were having, that if he was the
type of person to be easily intimidated, be might be intimidated by
me. i wonder if that might a running theme in the opinions of others
nothing is ever what you wish it will be or anticipate it will be.
have i done something terribly awful to deserve this? really, have
i? i mean why can't i just be fucking happy - like nothing is right,
from head to toe, to inside to outside..

i thought i'd throw myself into my work this yr. today i was just
too exhausted after uni and i was busy trying to suss out v (which i
think i have and have concluded that i'm in no luck with him - he
has a crush on a blonde girl named nikki.. as is life.) i guess it's
god cutting it at the bud before it would get outta hand and really
destroy me. gosh it's bad enough bumpin into the object of your
unrequitted love or crush, but to then live with them??

but i really did enjoy the exercises today at uni, and guntr is a
great tutor and trsten is effing HOT. lol

so is prince when i saw our photo on fcbk tbh. i'll give him a shout.

i am completely strung up sexually. i need to give chris a call,
fast. or else find some one who can give me right good bashing. yep.