simply me

my wee diary
2010-10-04 22:36:59 (UTC)

monday oct

where do i start
tired, ankle gone and needs strapped,both knee's
sore,two
operations on left knee, sometimes still have to sleep
with a pillow
between my legs, torn hamstring muscle in left leg,
achilles ready
to go, calf sore, can't straighten right arm, mri scan
few months
ago couldn't give me any answers, doctors said i had
broken it
before, i can't remember breaking it but they are certain
i had,
knocked out a few times, i can't remember being knocked
out but i
was , just remember being sick and walking back onto the
field, with
a num feeling, and a buzzing sensation, i'm not sure where
i'm going
here , to be honest i don't care anymore .
i'm not sure how i view myself now, i'm not sure why i
even
write on here, sometimes i feel it's pointless, i feel
pointless,
what am i doing with my life, i just walk from day to day.
i started to read some of my entries on here and
couldn't
believe what i had writen in the past, if i was a
stranger reading that
i would say i was deranged and past the point of no
return.
i feel angry and tormented and i don't know what to
do, i can't
walk into chemist and be handed some sort of mock cure,
i've never
taken drugs yet i feel drugged with this exsistance i have
made for
myself.
trust , whats that again, i can't trust now, i just
live life
for myself now, nobody will ever get near me now, time to
build more
barriers, nobody ever surprise me , in all my years i see
the same
mistakes and same self confidence that people have now.
people who have always want to have more. people who
give nearly
always get exploited, life doesn't seem to add up to me
and i don't
even want to address it now, it just stinks, the older i
get the
more i see and don't understand, life is supposed to get
easier as
you get older but i find it just gets darker, you see the
wrongs
that surround us but can't seem to do anything about it,
the system
just eats you and spits you out.
i used to think i wanted to find love , all i want to
find is a
way out of all this now, everyday the same, work just to
stand
still and pay bills and struggle to even raise a smile.

i don't know if this has been a good day or bad day,
whats the
point.

is this a day to remember
or a day to forget
i'm not so sure, am i sick
is there a cure
all i know is it rained and i feel pain
just like yesterday
everyday the same
don't even know who to blame
life just full of shame




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