Nick's Journal
2010-10-04 16:04:18 (UTC)

Hope is Horrible

I am sick with hope. not sick OF hope, but sick with it. ugh. a few
days after lamenting how broke i am and completely out of the blue i
got an email. the subject line was: "info - resume". i was ready to
file it away as another quick email blast to let me know that, while i
was a "strong candidate" they unfortunatley could not extend me an
offer. but it was no such email. rather it was an emaiml asking me
if i was available for a quick phone was for an in-
house corporate counsel position. in other words...dream job.

if you've ever watched the amazing ice cube movie friday you'll know
one of the great lines, "smokie, quit playin' wit my emotions!" i use
that phrase a lot too. this job was playing with my emotions.
really, i've had such bad luck and gotten screwed out of so many jobs
lately that i really can't conceive that i could be lucky enough or
fortunate enough to have this opportunity.

so i got on the phone interview nervous as hell. it went quite well
and then came the most cruel aspect. the recruiter told me the salary
right off the bat: between $85K to $100K with a 15% bonus every year.
i damn near passed out. for someone who is scraping by and who just
sent a letter to his student loans commissioner letting them know how
broke he is, that was an unfathomable number. i could barely respond
when the recruiter asked, "is that within your salary range?" my
throat was so dry, i could barely muster, "yes...yes."

getting this job would change everything for us. i no longer would
have to work 60 hours a week to barely get by. i would likely still
be working 60 hours a week, but at least i'd have a steady income.
and so i am sick with hope. for half a day after the phone interview
i could do nothing but dream about what could be if i got the job. i
fantasized about the life that could potentially lie before us.

it was really intoxicating. and then i stopped. i have no idea what
the chance of me getting this job is. am i the only one next in line
so that it is all contingent upon me? or am i one of 10 people this
recruiter has rounded up? i have no idea. it must be insanely
competitive for this job right now. i mean with that salary range
they could afford so many different attorneys. actually just writing
the past few lines have caused my heart to sink a bit.

i have a follow up, in person meeting with the recruiter this
wednesday. i am trying so hard to no longer envision how my life
would be if i got this job. i am really tapering my expectations.
but i'm afraid it's too late. it's just so hard not to think about
how your life could improve. it's so hard not to fantasize about how
your struggles could be minimized at laest a bit.

and it's not just the steady salary (although i won't be disingenioun
and pretend that it's not a significant factor) it's the fact that
this is exactly the job that i want. it's not npersonal injury or
civil litigations (the areas where i thought the first chance would
come) but THE job that i want.

so now i am so nervous. i don't know what to do for this upcoming
interview. on the one hand i am so excited and believe i am such a
good fit, i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know...can you
be too over-exuberant for a job interview? i just want to go there
and gush about how badly i want this job and how i feel i'm a good
fit. but i don't know..can that back fire?

hope is great ina way. i mena, i have been really happy and excited
just thinking about a possible future. but at the same time, it's
such a build up that i have been trying to beat down as much as
possible. it is so incredibly hard. i guess in the end i have to be
raational. not look beyond what i don't already have. rather look at
this as an amazing opporutnity. at least i have a CHANCE to take a
swing. and i guess in life, that's what it's all really about.