olivecrayon

self-destructive little girl
2010-10-03 17:24:37 (UTC)

the hardest part is being saved

What can I do from here.

I can't speak to the people that know.
My mother, so calm and matter of fact, telling me she saw my
cuts.
My father, who has never ever told me he loves me before,
but trying
to do the right thing strategically.
My little sister. Oh God my little sister. How can I sit at
family
dinner tonight.
I'm amazed they left me at home alone. But it was good to
not have to
face anyone when I came downstairs. All I've done is sleep.
But part of me could still throw myself out my window. Get my
razorblades out. Even pop across to the chemist again. Drink
the whole
bottle of tequila. Hey, I wonder what happens if I take all
the pills
prescribed for me this week at once.

I can't speak to the people that know.
I can't just say "hi, what's up".
I have to speak to them. They have to be reassured. I want
to hear
their side. But it's so hard.
What does everyone know?
Talking to Lina hurts because I don't know what to say and I
feel so
terrible that I ever spoke to her.
Seeing Izzi and Baloo was quietly impossible.
What does Kevin know? I heard he was worried.
Why did Michael Ricci call?
I'm working up the courage for Effy. Part of me wishes I had
answered
all her calls. I wouldn't have minded hearing her voice. But
I guess I
have ample opportunity now.
And how the fucking hell do I reply to the texts from a boy
who probably thinks this is related to him. And it just
isn't. It really isn't, I promise.

My psychiatrist is going to be such a joy of joys on Tuesday.
They called him.
The psych team at the hospital are also making me see my GP
again.
Plus sending me to a second psychologist as well.

I can't speak to the people that don't know.
Casually chat to Joe and Scott and all these people right
now. Jackson. Hamish.
Congratulate the Dream Factory cast again.
How the fuck do I show up at school tomorrow. All these
people moving around me, and they just don't know this huge
thing.
Angharad is sitting online.
If WEP find out, I can't go to France.
How do I ignore this? It's like an elephant in the room that
only I
can see.

Everything is going on as normal. Except me. It's so... jarring.
I'm not meant to be here. And no-one else can process that.
Not even I can.




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